Lord of the Phones
by Gigigue
Summary: Frodo inherits the one iPhone and goes on an epic quest to destroy it. Until all the readers realize that it's not so epic. In fact, it's downright stupid. Well, maybe not quite that far. Let's just say, insane, wacko, bizarre, weirdness. If you read, beware of mind-blowing oddity. And crazy parodies of life. That works. Yeah, now read it.
1. FotR: Isildur and the iPhone

**A/N: So, this is the first scene of my epic story, the Lord of the Phones! Sorry, got a little carried away there. So, a little background. My friend Vibeka and I wrote this story over the course of an entire year. Our inspiration was originally to make a movie, but we discovered that it would be almost impossible to make what we had planned, so we chose just to write the script and leave it. We though it would make a perfect fanfic, so here you are. A lot of the jokes that we put in can only be understood if you really know the movie. You'll still get the idea if you don't though. Hopefully you enjoy it and I'll be posting more soon. Thanks!**

Scene 1

**Narrator:** Three Androids for the elven-kings under the sky, seven Verizons for the dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, nine AT&Ts for mortal men doomed to die. One iPhone for the Dark Lord on his dark throne, in the land of Mordor where the shadows lie. One Phone to rule them all, one Phone that's awesome, one Phone that's really cool and in the end will kill them, in the land of Mordor where the shadows lie. Sauron the Dark Lord arose, and began the conquest of Middle Earth. Men and elves stood to meet this new power, and fought against it. The final battle at the gates of Mordor, the dark lord's realm, was the one which would decide the fate of the world...

(Men and elves are engaged in a water gun fight with Sauron's orc armies. Isildur, the king of Gondor, shoots Sauron with a water gun and kills him. Sauron drops the one iPhone and collapses to the ground. Isildur looks at the iPhone.)

**Isildur:** Hey! Look! It's a phone! (He picks up the iPhone and starts texting.)

**Isildur's Text:** This phone is now going to be an epic token of my victory against Sauron. 'Cause I'm awesome.

(Elrond, the leader of the elf troops and a recipient of one of the Androids for the elven-kings, walks up to Isildur.)

**Elrond:** Isildur, you have to destroy the iPhone! Quick! Bring it to Mt. Doom and throw it into the chasm where it was forged.

**(Transition)**

(Elrond and Isildur are in Mt. Doom. Elrond is standing near the edge. Isildur is standing farther back playing Angry Birds on the iPhone.)

**Elrond:** Drop it in!

**Isildur:** No, Elrond. I won't. I have to finish Angry Birds first. (He turns away and walks out, leaving Elrond shocked and afraid.)

**Narrator:** After many years, Isildur lost the one iPhone. He was so attached to it, that he despaired, and died. Although the Dark Lord had been defeated in that battle, and his physical body was destroyed, his spirit lingered on. His life force was tied to the iPhone. As long as it existed, he still lived. And he slowly gathered his forces, for the day when he would rise again as a new power. Many years later...

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed the first installment. More will be coming very soon, since the entire story is sitting in my computer, waiting to be published. I must also warn you, it took up about 97 pages of Microsoft Word, so this will be very long. See ya!**


	2. Yoda and Anakin

**A/N: Okay, here's Chapter 2. I just couldn't resist waiting till tomorrow to post again. When we actually wrote this, since we were planning to make a movie out of it, we changed some of the genders of our characters to match the actors we had available. So Samwise Gamgee became Samantha Gamgee, and since names that end with 'o' are actually typically girl names for hobbits, we figured Frodo would work even though he became a girl also. I changed it back for this fanfic. My point is, if some of the things they say and do don't sound very realistic for a modern guy, that's why.**

Scene 2

(Yoda and Anakin are in a car. Anakin sees the iPhone on the floor and picks it up.)

**Anakin:** Hey! Look Yoda! A phone!

**Yoda:** A nicer phone, is that, or an AT&T?

**Anakin:** Ehh, I think it's a nicer phone. Anyway, it's mine now.

**Yoda:** No Anakin, mine it is. Your birthday present to me, it is.

**Anakin:** I already gave you a book, and plus, finders keepers.

(Yoda jumps on Anakin and grabs the iPhone, opens the door and pushes Anakin out. Anakin almost dies. Yoda looks at the iPhone lovingly.)

**Yoda:** Mine it is. My precious.

(Yoda drives away. A Nazi comes up to Anakin who sits up.)

**Nazi:** Hey, wanna be part of our evil plan to overthrow Middle Earth? You get this cool mask! (He holds up a Darth Vader mask.)

**Anakin:** Sure!

(Anakin and the Nazi sing the Darth Vader theme song acappella.)

**Narrator:** Yoda had the phone for many years, and then he realized that light made it harder to read his texts, because of the glare from reflecting light, so he disappeared into the dark depths of an abandoned garage. Centuries later, a hobbit named Bilbo discovered the phone and brought it home. Yoda, whose name was changed to Gollum, began to search for it. And the Dark Lord was still growing in power. This is the story of how Frodo and his wonderful, amazing, attractive, valiant, humble sidekick Samwise Gamgee –

**Frodo:** Okay, Sam, you lost me at wonderful.

**Sam:** Come on Frodo, let me have some fun.

**Frodo:** Okay, but then after that, go actually take care of my garden, which you haven't been doing for weeks. I mean you're supposed to be my gardener!

**Sam:** Fine. (Sam stalks off.)

**A/N: Yay! I already have two views! Yes! *fist pumps***


	3. A Birthday Party and Taio Cruz

**A/N: So, here's chapter three. Just want to let my readers know that I made a small edit to the summary. This isn't really a retelling of LOTR in modern times, it's more of a parody, or an even better word is a spoof, of LOTR set in modern times. In other words, we've sort of made the characters do stupid things and be weird just for laughs. I love all these characters too much to have set this kind of spoof in the real Middle-Earth, so I put it in modern times to make it seem a little less serious.**

Scene 3

(A bunch of hobbits are sitting in the grass texting. They have come with an invitation from Bilbo. Bilbo is standing at a podium, Frodo is standing next to it.)

**Bilbo:** Welcome fellow hobbits. I would like to thank you all for coming to celebrate my eleventy-first birthday - (pauses)

(The crowd is silent because they are texting. They realize that Bilbo said something and cheer.)

**Crowd:** Hooray, Bilbo!

**Bilbo:** And the thirty-third birthday of my nephew Frodo Baggins.

(Frodo waves.)

**Crowd:** Hooray, Frodo!

**Bilbo:** Okay, I think I saved my speech to a text message. Hmm, let me see...

(Bilbo starts trying to find his speech.)

(Bilbo takes so long that the crowd slowly starts leaving and Frodo falls asleep. Bilbo walks away. Frodo wakes up.)

**Frodo:** Oh my gosh! Where'd Uncle Bilbo go?

**(Transition)**

(Frodo runs to his hobbit house and opens the door. The iPhone is lying on the ground. Frodo picks up the iPhone, notices a note on it, and reads it aloud.)

**Bilbo's Note:** My dear nephew Frodo, I'm leaving this iPhone to you, I guess. I am traveling to DELL Computers for no apparent reason. I'm just bored of living here. So goodbye. Bilbo Baggins.

(Gandalf the Grey, a wizard who often visits, is sitting quietly inside. He walks over.)

**Frodo:** Is he really gone, Gandalf?

**Gandalf:** Yes, he is gone at last.

**Frodo:** How did you convince him to leave his phone? He was so attached to that thing.

**Gandalf:** Even I, a wizard, found it hard to convince him. But, he was so scared of me when I yelled at him that he just dropped it and ran. The Phone has great power, and it was hard for Bilbo to let it go. I want to test something. Give me the phone Frodo.

(Frodo hands him the iPhone reluctantly. Gandalf drops the iPhone in a bowl of water.)

**Frodo:** What the heck are you doing?!

(Gandalf pulls the iPhone back out of the water.)

**Gandalf:** Tell me if you see anything.

(Frodo looks closely at the iPhone.)

**Frodo: **It's still working. That's amazing! Wait, I can see a text message appearing...

**Gandalf:** Yes, it says, 'One Phone to rule them all, one Phone to find them, one Phone to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.' This is the one iPhone of Sauron, the dark lord.

**Frodo:** Really?! Cool!

**Gandalf:** I'm afraid so. You must take this iPhone to DELL Computers. There its fate will be decided. Quick, get packed, you must leave quickly.

(Break Your Heart by Taio Cruz is heard from somewhere in the house.)

**Gandalf:** Get down!

(Frodo drops to the ground. Gandalf grabs Sam who is crouching behind the couch, and pulls him out. Sam pulls out his phone, which is producing the song.)

**Sam:** Just a second, let me take a call. Hello? Okay. Uh huh. Yup. Okay. Bye.

**Gandalf:** Samwise Gamgee. What did you hear of our conversation?

**Sam:** Nothing important, just a lot about the one iPhone, and the end of the world. Not much.

**Gandalf:** I can't trust you to keep your mouth shut. I could kill you, but I'm too tired. I have a better idea. You will travel with Frodo to DELL. I will meet you in Bree, at McDonalds.

**Frodo:** Why can't you come with us?

**Gandalf:** I need to seek counsel with a senior wizard. But don't worry, I will meet you.

**A/N: Hope you all enjoyed! I'm posting another chapter in a sec.**


	4. The Quest Begins

**A/N: I've decided to post two chapters (or scenes, whatever) every day from now on. There are 41 scenes (or chapters, ugh stupid subconscious), so it should take about 19 days from no on. I think. Does that make sense? Oh whatever, you get the point. I also changed the rating on this from T to K+. My friend Vibeka reminded me that although there is death in this, there's no gore.  
**

Scene 4

(Frodo and Sam get into a car and start driving down the driveway. Frodo is in the driver's seat. Right as they are about to cross the edge of the driveway, Sam stops Frodo.)

**Sam:** If I drive off the edge of the driveway, it'll be the farthest I've ever been from home in my entire life. Not that it matters...

**Frodo:** Seriously?! That is so sad. (Abruptly drives over.)

**Sam:** Hey! Well, so much for that.

**(Transition)**

(Whilel driving on an interstate, Frodo pulls out the map to find what exit to take. Sam can't see Frodo through the map and starts panicking.)

**Sam:** Oh my gosh! Frodo! Frodo?! Where are you?!

(Sam pulls out his GPS system, not knowing that it doesn't work to find people...)

**Sam:** I'll use this GPS to find him.

(Sam types something in. Frodo finds what he's looking for and puts the map away. He looks at Sam confusedly.)

**Frodo:** What are you doing?

**Sam:** Oh, there you -

(Merry and Pippin (teenage hobbits who are friends of Sam and Frodo's), holding a lot of cell phones, topple from the back seat on top of Sam and Frodo.)

**Pippin:** Oh, hi!

**Frodo:** Merry? Pippin? What are you doing here?

**Sam:** (Looking at the cell phones) Wait a minute, you've been raiding Dr. Virus' electronics store again!

(A revving noise is heard. Looking behind them, the hobbits see a van with the Dr. Virus logo on it. The hobbits panic.)

**Merry:** Quick! Run!

(They jump out of the car and run. As they're running, Pippin trips on a rock and the rest of the hobbits fall on top of each other.)

**A/N: Not much to say I guess. Hopefully everybody's catching the parodies of the scenes in the book and the movie. (Hint: DELL Computers = Rivendell, Dr. Virus = Farmer Maggot.) See you tomorrow!  
**


	5. Newspapers and Nazis

**A/N: Okay people, it's t****hat time of the day again. What time of the day, you may ask? The posting of LOTPhones time of day! Okay, so, if you remember, the hobbits had just tripped over each other and are lying in the middle of the road, with Dr. Virus following them...)**

Scene 5

(Dr. Virus' truck is not tracking them after all and leaves using an exit, but the hobbits are distracted and don't notice.)

**Merry:** Look! iPods! (Points to side of road)

(Everybody rushes over and starts looking for headphones. Frodo sits in the middle of the road and looks in the distance. A faint bicycle bell noise is heard.)

**Frodo:** Get off the road!

(Nobody pays attention.)

**Frodo:** (Louder) Get off the road!

(Everybody looks at Frodo.)

**(Transition)**

(Black Biker/Nazi comes up holding a beeping cell phone tracker. He sees four hobbits holding newspapers in front of their faces slowly edging away.)

**Pippin:** (From behind a newspaper whispers to Merry) Do you think he can see us?

**Merry:** No, I somehow doubt it.

(Nazi looks at the newspaper people confusedly and bikes away. They drop their newspapers.)

**Frodo:** Whew, I'm glad that's over. (To Merry and Pippin) What's the quickest way to Bree?

**Merry:** Come on! I'll show you! (Leads him to the car, they hop in and drive away.)

**A/N: I've agreed with my subconscious that I'm going to call my 'chapters' scenes. So scene 6, coming right up.**


	6. The Tollbooth

**A/N: And my second and last post for the day.**

Scene 6

(The hobbits are driving. Nine Black Bikers/Nazis jump out from the trees beside the road and chase the car. The hobbits drive away frantically, and go straight through a tollbooth without paying. The tollbooth guy comes out to make them pay and finds the Black Bikers about to come through instead. He stops them.)

**Tollbooth Guy:** It's $2 for hobbits and dwarves, $4 for elves and men, and $834 for Black Bikers. Let's see, there's, nine of you, so that'll be, let's see, $7,506 in cash please.

(The Black Bikers look at each other and groan, then start pulling cash out of their pockets. Meanwhile, the hobbits get away. They drive all the way to Bree and start looking for McDonalds.)

**A/N: This scene was supposed to be the ferry scene, except more modern. It's one of the more obscure parodies. Sorry both scenes were short today. There'll be more tomorrow. Thank you to all of you who reviewed! You guys totally made my day!**


	7. Burger King and Creepy Cannibal Cashiers

**A/N: Okay guys, here's the next chapter. Enjoy! (And thanks for all the reviews! It makes me happy! :) )**

Scene 7

(Hobbits go to a drive-thru at Burger King. They think it's the McDonalds they're supposed to be at, but of course it's not.)

**Frodo:** Can I have two Happy Meals for the little hobbits over there (points to Merry and Pippin), and, um, Sam, what do you want?

**Sam:** Uh, just a cheeseburger with fries without the bun, the meat, the ketchup, the pickles, and the cheese. Oh, and a coke.

**Frodo:** Um, okay, I guess. And I'll have the same.

**Burger King Cashier:** Sure. Name?

(Frodo thinks for a moment.)

**Frodo:** Wait, why do you need to know my name? Are you a stalker or something?

**Cashier: **Nope, I'm just a creepy cannibal cashier. My friends call me the CCC!

(Hobbits look at each other dubiously.)

**(Transition)**

(Pippin is sitting in the back seat with a Happy Meal size coke. He notices Merry has a bigger cup.)

**Pippin:** Wait, how did you get that? I thought you had a Happy Meal.

**Merry:** Oh, I just stole Frodo's. He didn't even notice. Too busy talking about the latest football game score with Sam.

**Pippin:** Cool! I think I'll steal Sam's! I gotta get me one of those! (Reaches over.)

**(Transition)**

**Frodo:** Who's that guy over there? (Points to a guy sitting in a car across the parking lot.) He's been staring at us this whole time.

**CCC:** That's Strider, a ranger from the north. Stay away from him, he's dangerous.

**Frodo:** Why are you here?

**CCC:** No good reason.

**Frodo:** Hey Sam, you see that guy over there? I heard he's dangerous.

**Sam:** Really? He's in his PJs. He doesn't look too scary.

**CCC:** Don't judge from appearances. (He backs away looking stalkerish)

(Sam and Frodo stare dubiously at Strider.)

**Pippin:** (To a group of men) Yep, the guy with the iPhone is right over there.

(Frodo gives a horrified glance and starts texting Pippin. He accidentally touches the invisible app and turns invisible. He turns it off after crawling under Strider's car. Frodo sighs in relief then gets yanked up by Strider.)

**Strider:** You draw too much attention to yourself, Mr. Baggins. This time, walk **around** the parking **to** the car. Now chop-chop. (Strider duct tapes Frodo's mouth, and drags him out of the car into the parking lot.)

**A/N: Thanks for reading!**


	8. Learning About the Nazis

**A/N: Okay, and last scene of the day. Once again, thanks for reviewing!**

Scene 8

(Strider takes Frodo into his car and shuts the door. He pulls off the duct tape.)

**Frodo:** Alright, so you wanted to talk about something?

(The door of the car is flung open and Sam, Merry, and Pippin are standing at the door ready to fight.)

**Sam, Merry, and Pippin:** (In unison) What have you done with Frodo?!

**Frodo:** Don't worry guys, I'm fine. I was just kidnapped temporarily.

**Strider:** We have a lot to talk about.

**(Transition)**

(Black Biker sneaks into the parking lot and trashes all the cars except Strider's for some reason. Nobody's in any of the cars. The Black Biker screeches and leaves. Sam wakes up, then the others.)

**Sam:** What was that?!

(Strider is sitting by the window.)

**Strider:** Those are the Black Bikers, the nine recipients of the nine AT&Ts for men. They were turned evil by Sauron. They aren't dead or alive, so they're kinda like zombies. Their real name is the Nazis, or the Phonewraiths. And they are searching for one thing – the iPhone! We need to leave, now, 'cause like, they're trying to kill us.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed! Remember to review! BTW, flames are also welcome. I won't be offended or anything. But especially review!**


	9. Sam Uses the Force

**A/N: Thanks to you all for reviewing! It's so awesome when I wake up in the morning and see - oh look! - three more reviews!**

**ElrondofImladris:** It is hard to see the Aragorn from the movies in PJ's right? Of course, once you've finished reading this (if you do - I certainly hope so!), you'll see that this Aragorn is actually very easy to see in PJ's. I imagine him in purple PJ's with frogs on them. Don't ask me why.

**And, I present to you - Scene 9!**

Scene 9

(Strider and the hobbits have been walking for several days. A cul-de-sac is seen in the distance.)

**Strider:** That's the Dead End. We'll stay there the night. And you better hope it's not too cold 'cause I left the blankets in the car at Burger King.

**(Transition)**

(Everyone walks to the end of cul-de-sac and sits down, except Strider who unzips a backpack. He pulls out four plastic lightsabers.)

**Strider:** These are your lightsabers. You may need them soon.

**(Transition)**

(Frodo is sleeping. He wakes up because of a noise. He looks over and sees the others except Strider texting around a Christmas tree, with lights and everything!)

**Frodo:** What are you doing?! Are you crazy?! (Runs over and starts throwing dirt on the tree.) The Nazis will see us for miles!

(Three Nazis are seen running towards the cul-de-sac. The hobbits pull out their sabers. The Nazis walk up to the hobbits. The head Nazi speaks to Frodo.)

**Nazi:** Hey, I sorta need your phone, so I was sorta wondering, could you sorta give it to me?

**Frodo:** Are you kidding me?! You are kidding me right? Okay, you can have it.

**Sam:** Frodo, what are you doing?!

**Frodo:** I am willingly giving in to the dark lord's power. Isn't that so obvious? I mean, it's logical right?

**Sam:** Um, no. Okay, Nazi people, get away, or you will feel the sting of my lightsaber!

**Pippin:** (whispered loudly) Sam! Use the Force!

**Sam:** (Is scornful and says sarcastically) Good idea. (waving hand) You do not want the Phone.

**Nazis:** We do not want the Phone.

**Sam:** (still sarcastically) You will go away.

**Nazis:** We will go away.

(The Nazis turn to leave and Sam accidentally uses the Force to push them out of the cul-de-sac.)

**Sam:** (covers mouth with hand) What did I just do?

**Pippin:** Good job Sam! (patting Sam on back)

**A/N: Hope everyone likes it!**


	10. The Gangsta's of Mirkwood

**A/N: Okay, so I wrote this scene when I first posted this story, but I accidentally lost it, so I've had to rewrite it. It probably isn't as good as the original, but I'll do my best to make it similar.**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own We Are the Champions. Queen does.

Scene 10

(Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Aragorn have arrived at DELL. Elrond, the elf in charge, has called a meeting.)

(Boromir, Elrond, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, and Frodo are there.)

**Elrond: **Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom.

**Boromir: **Whoa, whoa, hold on a minute. I thought we were here to discuss the economic downturn of DELL, since Apple has really taken over the market.

**Legolas: **Dude, where have you been? That meeting was three months ago. This is something entirely different.

**Elrond: **Bring forth the iPhone Frodo.

(Frodo brings it out and puts it on a pedestal in front of everyone.)

**Boromir: **Is that the one iPhone? Epic!

(He reaches out to take the iPhone, but Elrond stops him.)

**Elrond: **No Boromir, none of us can use this iPhone. You see, when Sauron first made it, he only downloaded apps like, 'A Dark Lord's Guide to Taking Over the World', 'I Have Anger Issues: A Guide to Controlling Other People Using Your Temper', and Angry Birds. In other words, all bad things. One of you must bring this iPhone to Mt. Doom, in the heart of Mordor. Who volunteers?

**Everyone: **Me me me me me me!

**Legolas: **I'll take it. I'm an elf, and therefore so perfect that I will complete the quest in no time.

**Gimli: **No, I will die before I see the iPhone in the hands of an elf.

**Aragorn: **Nuh-uh, it's gonna be me. Gimli, your beard is too long, and Legolas, you don't have a beard. I, on the other hand, have the perfect length of beard. Scruffy enough to attract the ladies, but not long enough to get in the way.

(Everyone bickers amongst themselves, until finally Frodo steps up.)

**Frodo: **Fine, I'll take it. Just stop arguing, it gives me a headache.

**Aragorn: **I will come with you Frodo. If I can protect you, I will. I give you my lightsaber.

**Legolas: **And you have my nerf gun.

**Gimli: **And my baseball bat.

**Boromir: **I still don't know why we aren't discussing the state of the company, but what the heck, I'll come too.

(Sam, Merry, and Pippin rush out and join the others.)

**The Three Hobbits: **We're coming too!

**Elrond: **Good! I now pronounce you – the Gangsta's of Mirkwood!

(Crickets chirping.)

**Frodo: **How the heck does that make any sense?

**Elrond: **I don't know, but it sounds cool.

(The Gangsta's walk off into the sunset singing loudly to the tune of 'We Are the Champions'.)

**Everyone: **We are the Gangsta's - my friends,  
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end.  
We are the Gangsta's,  
We are the Gangsta's,  
No time for losers,  
'Cause we are the Gangsta's - of Mirkwood!

**A/N: Okay, I'm pretty sure I got all the good jokes in, so I'm decently pleased with how much I remembered. Cool.**

**Fixed 1/23/2013  
**


	11. Bilbo and the FBI

**A/N: And today's first scene is, the gifts from Bilbo!**

****Scene 11

(Before the Gansta's left on their quest, Frodo had a reunion with Bilbo (who, if you remember, had traveled to DELL for 'no apparent reason').)

(Frodo walks into Bilbo's room.)

**Bilbo: **So, young Frodo, before you leave, I thought I could give you something of your father's.

**Frodo: **My father's?

**Bilbo: **Yes, you see, when your father died, he left this with me to give to you when the time was right. I think the time is now. Here you go. (Bilbo gives Frodo a cloth-wrapped package.)

(Frodo unwraps the package to reveal a lightsaber.)

**Frodo: **A lightsaber! That's epic! (He turns it on. It has a blue blade.) This really belonged to my father?

**Bilbo: **Yes. It did. Too bad he died.

**Frodo: **Yeah, well...

**Bilbo: **Oh yes, and I have something else. (This time he pulls out a bulletproof vest.) I have this bulletproof vest from days as an FBI agent -

**Frodo: **You were an FBI agent?!

**Bilbo: **Of course. Didn't I tell you the story of 'The Case of the Missing Dwarf Gold'? You see, it was stolen by a dragon.

**Frodo: **Oh right.

**Bilbo: **Anyway, here's the vest. Have a nice trip!

**Frodo: **Thanks Bilbo! (leaves)

**A/N: Next chapter, coming right up.**


	12. Aragorn's Canary

**A/N: Hey, I just want to take a moment to reply to two of my reviewers.**

**ElrondofImladris:** Why the Gangsta's of Mirkwood? Well, I don't really totally remember how that came up between me and my friend Vibeka when we were writing it. I believe we were thinking how it would be funny if Gandalf was a gangsta, and then we thought we could make that happen. I know that we then decided to change the 'Fellowship of the Phone' to the Gangsta's of Mordor, and then decided that didn't work and changed it to Mirkwood. It's all part of the randomness of the story.

**The NCISElf: **Well, we never really addressed the issue of cell service in Moria, but believe me, I have something good up my sleeve... Bwahahaha! Sorry, evil laugh...

Scene 12

(The Gangsta's have been traveling for several days. They decide to take a rest for a day.)

(Boromir is teaching Merry and Pippin how to lightsaber-fight. First he spars with Merry.)

**Boromir:** Very good!

(Moves over to spar with Pippin, accidentally hits him on the wrist with his saber.)

**Boromir:** Oh, I'm so sorry!

(Pippin tackles him and Merry helps. Legolas climbs up on a rock and looks into the distance.)

**Legolas:** There's something coming in the distance.

**Gimli:** Oh, that's just a cloud. Stop acting like you're so perfect.

**Aragorn:** No, it's a flock of birds. Take cover!

**Legolas:** Um, why?

**Aragorn:** Okay, this is sort of embarrassing, but... Okay, once, when I was a kid, I had this canary as a pet. Well, one day, I was feeding it, and it pecked me on the hand! And ever since, birds have attacked me wherever I go. Birds are terrifying!

(Everybody runs and hides. The birds fly away and everybody comes out.)

**Gandalf:** Spies. Sauron will not make this journey easy for us.

**A/N: I want to say both thanks for the reviews and also please review! See y'all tomorrow. (Oh gosh, I just realized - tomorrow's the first day of Advent!)**


	13. Awkward Moments

**A/N: Hey ya'll! Sorry I haven't posted for so long. I'm definitely not done, I just got super distracted over the weekend and totally forgot about it. Sorry. But anyways, I'm back.**

Scene 13

(The Gangsta's are walking on Caradhras, a huge snowy mountain, when Frodo slips and rolls down the hill, losing the iPhone in the process. Aragorn stops him and helps him up. Boromir picks up the iPhone.)

**Boromir:** It's a wonder that so small a thing should cause so much trouble.

**Aragorn:** Boromir, give the iPhone to Frodo.

(Boromir stares at it.)

**Boromir:** No, I don't want to!

**Aragorn:** Boromir!

(Boromir is startled, then reluctantly hands it over to Frodo.)

**Boromir:** Here, I don't want it. (Ruffles Frodo's hair.)

**A/N: Sorry, boring and very short scene. My friend Vibeka and I didn't have much inspirations for this.**


	14. Cheese Curls and Avalanches

**A/N: **TV Announcer: **And now it's time for (dramatic silence) review replying with _! (Not telling you my name.)**

**emberrox42: **Well, I update every day, but I'm not actually writing new stuff every day. My friend Vibeka and started this end of summer 2011 and finished it right as school let out summer 2012. So the entire story from Hobbiton to Mordor and back is actually sitting in my computer totally finished and waiting to be posted. If I was writing this from scratch, then it would be more like once a week or so.

**The NCISElf: **Yup. Bilbo was an FBI agent. Otherwise he wouldn't have a bullet-proof vest to give to Frodo. It also makes sense considering he did spend a lot of time helping the dwarves recover their gold.

**Everybody who said "Aragorn's afraid of birds?": **Once again, it's one of those random spoofy things that was so funny when we thought of it that we couldn't _not_ put it in.

**I just want to remind readers that I'm posting ****two**** scenes every day. I noticed that there are less people reading the first chapter I post on a given day than the second one, and I figure it's 'cause most people are used to just clicking on the last chapter when it says I've updated. But nope, has to be the ****_second-to-last_**** chapter. There's so much good stuff you guys shouldn't miss!**

Scene 14

(Everyone is walking on Caradhras. Snow is flying everywhere. A voice is heard over the wind muttering.)

**Voice: **(whispering gently) Cheese curls...

(Suddenly an avalanche of snow falls down but they aren't covered. Then it happens again and they are buried. They slowly crawl out.)

**Aragorn:** We can't pass this way. It is too dangerous.

**Gandalf:** Sauron is hindering our passage.

**Gimli:** We could go through the strip mall of Moria.

**Gandalf:** Nah, don't want to. The dwarves shopped too much and set free evil things. But I think it is the only way.

**Boromir:** We could go around the mountains.

**Gandalf:** Let the phone-bearer decide.

(Frodo thinks for a moment.)

**Frodo:** It'll take too long to go around. We have to go through Moria. Maybe we can buy some stuff on the way.

**Gandalf:** (Sigh) I hate shopping.

**Legolas: **I live shopping!

**Gandalf: **(glares) Come on.

**A/N: Sorry, sorry, I know it's short. Hope you enjoyed anyways. Also, that last Legolas line was contributed by **ElrondofImladris**. Thanks for reviewing!**


	15. Trapped In Moria

**A/N: Hey peeps! Sorry I was late getting this out, I was busy all day. (sighs) Anyways, here we go. The Gangsta's are heading into the strip mall of Moria!**

Scene 15

(They are walking around a parking lot. They get to the doorway to the strip mall of Moria. It's locked and it's glowing.)

**Gandalf:** There's a sign on top of the door. It says 40% sale! But in order to get in you have to 'Speak, friend, and enter.' I'm pretty sure I remember the password. Athan la.

(Nothing happens.)

**Gandalf:** I guess not.

(Merry and Pippin alternate throwing rocks at cars. Aragorn grabs Merry's arm just as he's about to throw another rock.)

**Aragorn:** Do not disturb the things that lurk in the parking lot.

**Frodo:** Here, it's taking to long. I'll just search for it on Google. Ah, here it is. It's the elf word for friend. I get the riddle now. I'll look it up on Google Translate. It seems to say 'Melon'. Oh wait, sorry not right. (Presses listen on Google Translate and the lady says Meh-lon.)

(The door opens. Everybody walks in. Suddenly, an old lady comes out of a car and starts hitting Frodo with a handbag and dragging him back to the car. Aragorn chops at her with his lightsaber and Legolas shoots her with the Nerf gun and she drops Frodo. They run inside the strip mall. The old lady blocks the door.)

**Sam:** Well, I guess there's no going back now. That old lady was freaky anyway.

**Gandalf:** Come, follow me.

**A/N: The freaky old lady is totally one of my favorite characters in this entire saga. Her and the surfer dude. Oh, and Artanis. Oh yeah, and corndog boy! Hehehehe... I'm not going to give anything away!**


	16. Doom In Victoria's Secret

**A/N: Alright, and everyone, give a round of applause to my faithful reviewers!**

**Saren-Dipety:** Thanks for the compliment! That song was totally spur-of-the-moment. In fact, when I wrote it, I had never even heard the song before in it's full extent! I had just heard it referenced.

**The NCISElf:** Haha, I love reading your comments! Yup, Moria's a strip mall. It seemed to fit the modern theme. Another one of those random moments. The evils of overshopping are great and many, in particular when it comes to modern fantasy worlds in my random fanfic. Free WiFi, hmm, interesting idea. Something like that sort of comes later... Not exactly though. Good ideas!

**ElrondofImladris:** Well, I was looking at traffic stats, not reviews, but you're right about the reviewing. And your suggestion is perfect! Do you mind if I go back and add that to the chapter? I'll give you the all the credit of course. If you don't want me to just say the word.

Scene 16

(They walk into a store and Gimli sees Balin's tomb in the middle of the store and starts crying.)

**Gandalf:** What's this? (Picks up a laptop and starts reading an account about Balin's death.)

(Pippin knocks a skull into a rack of clothing and it tips over. Drums are heard in the distance. Trolls bang on the door.)

**Pippin:** Come in! The doors open! You don't need to knock so loudly! (Gandalf covers his mouth.)

**Gandalf: **Shut up you fool of a Took!

(Door opens. Legolas shoots a Nerf bullet at the trolls. Huge battle ensues. Frodo gets shot. Trolls get defeated. Everyone rushes over to see if Frodo's okay.)

**Sam:** Frodo, are you alright? You look pretty awful.

(Frodo bursts into laughter and shows him the bullet-proof vest.)

**Frodo:** This vest bullet-proof. And the best part is, it makes me look like I'm part of the FBI! Take that! I bet you don't have anything cool like that! So ha!

**(Transition)**

(Everyone is running away from thousands of orcs who are chasing them. They come into a Victoria's Secret and see the freaky old lady who's shopping.)

**Gandalf:** You, shall not, pass!

(Old lady starts running around chasing him.)

**Gandalf:** (while running) Run you fools!

(Old lady chases Gandalf out of the store and they disappear.)

**Frodo:** Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooo! Okay, I'm good. Let's go.

(They run out of the back entrance and collapse on the ground because they're tired.)

**Boromir:** Well, we're one member less. Ahhh, who cares. Gandalf was annoying anyway.

**A/N: And so ends another bizarre and pointless day in my fanfiction history. Anyways, hope you guys enjoyed and remember to review!**


	17. The Puppet Master

**A/N: Hey everyone! Thanks for your awesome reviews! I'll reply to them all in the next scene. Little note about this next scene. It mentions something called ****_The Puppet Master_****. In case you don't already know what that is, it's basically where Elijah Wood (the actor who played Frodo) appears on Yo Gabba Gabba, a really weird preschool TV show. He invents and performs this dance called ****_The Puppet Master_**** and it pretty much freaked me out to death (yup, that's how serious it was) when I saw it. There's a video on YouTube of it called Lord of the Dancey Dance which pairs that video with some Galadriel scenes from the Lord of the Rings. It's really funny and has absolutely nothing bad in it whatsoever. I highly recommend watching it before reading this scene, or at least seeing the clip of Elijah Wood doing the dance. Just type in 'Lord of the Dancey Dance' on YouTube and click on the one by **hakuchan345**.**

Scene 17

(The whole company runs into an electronics store. A bunch of elves including Haldir jump and point their Nerf guns at them.)

**Haldir:** Are you gonna buy something, or are we gonna have to use our Nerf guns?

**Aragorn:** Ah, Haldir. We are here to see Galadriel. But, we might buy something too.

**Haldir:** Hey Galadriel, we have customers!

(Galadriel walks in.)

**Galadriel:** Well, and what are you interested in buying today?

**Pippin:** Oo, oo, I know! (raising hand) I'll have a, um, um, well, um, I don't know.

**Galadriel:** By the way, I'm the twelve-month in a row winner of the creepiest salesperson award, in case that helps you. Just sayin'.

**Pippin:** Um, okay.

**Aragorn:** We're on an epic journey to destroy the one iPhone. So we were wondering if we could just spend the night here.

**Galadriel:** Sure, that's fine! But you can also take advantage of our special offer! Buy eight cameras and get one for free!

**Aragorn:** Well, we lost one person, so that won't help much, we only have eight people left...

**Galadriel:** Then get seven cameras, and get one for the original price. It's a great deal.

**Legolas:** (sarcastically) Sure it is.

**(Transition)**

(Frodo wakes up in the middle of the night and sees Galadriel typing on a Mac. Frodo gets up and walks over to her.)

**Galadriel:** You know, this computer is the most valuable one we have in the shop. It shows things from the past, the present, and the future. Look into it, and see your future.

(Frodo sees a video clip of The Puppet Master. He screams and jumps backward.)

**Frodo:** That's not my future! It's somebody else's! That can't be mine! It's too scary! I don't want to see any more!

**Galadriel:** This is what will happen if you fail on your quest. Sauron will possess you and you will become his puppet – literally.

(Frodo faints.)

**(Transition)**

(Galadriel and the company walk outside the store. Galadriel presents a mini-van to them.)

**Galadriel:** This is your car.

**Frodo:** But it only seats seven!

**Galadriel:** One person will ride in the trunk and watch over the packs. Who volunteers!

(Everyone raises their hands and start arguing.)

**Galadriel:** Okay, guys, calm down. I will choose. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers let him go, eeny, meeny, miny moe.

(Lands on Aragorn.)

**Boromir:** But that's not fair!

**Galadriel:** It is. He was chosen. Choose your seats everyone. Aragorn, get in the trunk.

(Aragorn gets in the trunk.)

**Legolas:** I call driver's seat!

**Gimli:** I call shotgun!

**Legolas:** You're too small for shotgun.

**Sam:** Then I call shotgun!

**Gimli: **But you're too small for it too!

**Sam: **No, I'm exactly 3/8 of an inch taller than you, therefore, I can sit in the front (sticks out his tongue and hops in).

(Everyone else crams in the car. Galadriel takes out a camera with a really big flash.)

**Galadriel:** Alright, group picture. Say lembas!

**Everyone:** Lembas!

(Galadriel takes a picture and hands the camera to Frodo.)

**Galadriel:** May it be a light in dark places. And take tons of pictures so you can show everyone when you get home.

(Everyone shouts good-bye and drives off to loud '80s rock. Everyone sings along.)

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews!**


	18. Diving Boards and Death

**A/N: Alright, replying time. Let's see...**

**Call Brandybuck:** Oh gosh, don't worry, she will come up later in a - let's just say _rather interesting_ way.

**ElrondofImladris: **Thanks for letting me use it! Yup, Boromir just really doesn't care about Gandalf - or anyone for that matter - at all. But it doesn't matter since no one else cares about anyone else anyway.

**The NCISElf:** First of all, you have officially won the favorite reviewer prize! Unanimous decision by both me and my friend Vibeka (who is sitting next to me so she can help me answer your questions). Alright, and now to answer all of your many questions. Question #1: No, the Fellowship members do not care about each other at all. As mentioned above. Question #2: The old lady was shopping in Victoria's Secret because she was shopping for underwear! Duh! Kidding. That will be explained later. Question #3: Gandalf didn't make her angry. Once again, this will be explained in the same situation as question two. Yay. Question #4: The Fellowship needed underwear too. Of course, none of them are girls so... After a minute of discussion, we have decided it was because Pippin saw that there were free cookies by the cash register and dragged everyone else in to eat some. That good enough for ya'? Question #5: Yes, yes there was free WiFi. Question #6: We like the both idea. We're going with that. Question #7: Internet orcs and goblins! Duh! Kidding again. IDK what they would be. Use your imagination, 'cause we've already used up our daily dose answering your other questions. Question #8: Finally, and most importantly, we have decided, after much pondering and heated discussion (aka thinking for half a second and then agreeing), we have decided that the meaning of life is, wait for it, wait for it, think for a minute, guess, come on, you can do it, the meaning of life is, dragging out, dragging out, commercial break, dragging out, dramatic drum roll, come on, drum on your desk with us, CHEESE! Hope this answered all your questions and thoughts. See ya' later!

Scene 18

(The Gangsta's park their car by a lake.)

**Legolas:** Hey! Let's go swimming!

(Everybody goes off and changes into their bathing suits and they run to the lake. Suddenly an orc appears and starts shooting Boromir with a Nerf gun. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli stand with their mouths open. Merry and Pippin start screaming and running around the orc. Frodo and Sam look at each other, grin, and run away. Boromir gets hit by three Nerf bullets and pretends to die. The orc grabs Merry and Pippin and runs away. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli rush over to Boromir.)

**Gimli:** He's dead. Great.

**Aragorn:** No! Boromir! Wake up! (sighs) Oh well. The least we can do is give him a decent burial... LET'S CHUCK HIM OFF THE DIVING BOARD!

(Gimli, Legolas and Aragorn cheer and haul him off toward the diving board. They chuck him off.)

**Boromir:** (as he's falling) Ha! I tricked yooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu !

(Boromir falls in the water and dies.)

**Legolas:** Oops.

(Everyone has guilty expressions.)

**A/N: We just realized that our replies to our reviewers are longer than the actual scene! That just proves we really care about our reviewers. *sniffle* Remember to review! Please review, it's our precious, yes, yes precious, precious reviews, precious...**


	19. TTT: Rain and Lembas Bread

**A/N: Hey everyone! I'm/we're back! Yeah, we didn't post over the weekend 'cause on Saturday we were sorta busy having a Lord of the Rings movie marathon. And then on Sunday we didn't have time, so yeah... Anyways, we are officially on the Two Towers! Yeah, party! Okay, anyways, so, hope you enjoy the scene and we'll answer reviewer questions next scene.**

Scene 19

(Sam & Frodo are walking. They stop and look around.)

**Frodo:** Okay, you're the one with the GPS, you should know where we are. So, where the heck are we! (echo dramatically)

**Sam:** We don't need that silly old GPS. See, this place looks familiar! (gives cheesy smile)

**Frodo:** Sam, that's because we have been here before! We're going in circles. Face it, we're lost. So give me the stupid GPS!

**Sam:** Fine. Here.

(Sam hands Frodo GPS. Frodo turns it on.)

**GPS:** We are sorry, but you are running on reserve battery power. This GPS will now turn off to preserve its last battery life. *Beep* (Turns off.)

**Frodo:** Samwise Gamgee! Why didn't you tell me that before?!

**Sam:** 'Cause you're possessed by that stupid iPhone, and you would have yelled your lungs out!

**Frodo:** Oh yeah?! Then why don't you try keepin' the iPhone for a while.

**Sam:** Sure! If you can give it to me.

**Frodo:** Fine. Sorry, Sam...

(Sam sighs.)

**Sam:** Let's go to bed, I'm tired. Want somethin' to eat?

**Frodo:** Well, what do we have?

**Sam:** (pulling lembas out of the pack) Lembas bread, lembas bread, more lembas bread and, hey look, more lembas bread!

**Frodo:** Can't you ever be sad for once? You're way too optimistic...

**Sam:** Sometimes (sniffs) when it rains, (starts crying and whimpering) it's just so sad, 'cause everything gets so wet, and the grass gets all muddy, and I can't walk outside and, and, waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (starts sobbing hysterically)

**Frodo:** (pats Sam on the back) It's alright Sam, it's okay, it's not raining, it's sunny, it's okay...

**A/N: This is one of our favorite scenes. Sam's just amazing. Hope you guys think so too. Oh, and just for the record, we were originally planning (back when we wanted this to be a movie) that I would be Frodo and Vibeka would be Sam. So we're pretty attached to our funny lines.**


	20. The Return of the CCC

**A/N: Okay, so, time to answer reviewers.**

**Everyone who said, "Oh my gosh, dancey-dance is really weird! I think I died!":** Yup. It is definitely weird. That's the whole point. We almost passed out when we first saw it, and I spent the rest of the day in a sort of crazed daze.

**ElrondofImladris: **We're awarding you with most consistent reviewer award! It's really great that every time we post, you're one of the first to review, and you always review. Thank you. And you're welcome about the line.

**The NCISElf:** You're welcome! So you're presenting us with another question challenge. Hmmm... Question #1: They were listening to Thriller by Michael Jackson. And various Go-Go songs. Question #2: See, when you sit in the trunk, you don't have to wear a seatbelt. And that's where they put all their snacks and all their lembas bread and stuff. So, you know... Question #3: Well, if you remember Gollum is Yoda. So therefore, he's a Jedi. From a galaxy far far away. Bwahahaha! Question #P.S.: Well, we never really thought about it until your comment though. It's a cool nickname. You have inspired us to nickname Vibeka's seven-year-old brother 'Agent AJ'.

**And without further ado, we present to you -**

Scene 20

(An Uruk-Hai is seen running across the plains. Being dragged along are Merry and Pippin. Merry is very sleepy. Pippin tries to talk to him.)

**Pippin:** Merry! Merry!

(Suddenly the Uruk-Hai stops. Right in front of them is a Burger King. They walk in and see the creepy cannibal cashier.)

**CCC:** You're late. Our master grows impatient. He wants the Shire-rats now.

**Uruk-Hai:** But why?

**Pippin:** Merry! Merry? Wake up

(Pippin looks at the Uruk-Hai who is drinking a Coke.)

**Pippin:** My friend is sick. He needs Coke. Please!

**Uruk-Hai:** Sick, is he? Give him a kid's meal, boys!

(The Uruk hands a kid's meal to Merry, who wakes up coughing and spluttering.)

**Pippin:** Stop it!

**Uruk-Hai:** I don't take orders from you!

**Pippin:** Leave him alone!

**Uruk-Hai:** Why? You want some?

(Pippin nods his head.)

**Uruk-Hai:** Then keep your mouth shut.

(The Uruk turns away.)

**Pippin:** Merry?

**Merry:** (looking up feebly) Hey, Pip.

**Pippin:** You're sick.

**Merry:** I'm fine. It was just an act.

**Pippin:** An act?

**Merry:** See? I fooled you too. Don't worry about me, Pippin.

(The Uruk-Hai sniffs the air.)

**CCC:** What is it? What do you smell?

**Uruk-Hai:** Man-flesh.

**CCC:** They've picked up our trail.

**Pippin:** (Pippin looks in wonder and whispers) Aragorn. Oh no! He's gonna get

us!

**CCC:** Let's move!

(The Uruk-Hai and the cashier run off with Merry and Pippin.)

**A/N: Okay, as said above, **The NCISElf **has inspired us to nickname Vibeka's seven-year-old brother 'Agent AJ'. Free internet pie of any kind you want (including coconut cream and pumpkin) to anyone who guesses his name (along with a reasonable review, whether it be a flame or a compliment). As a parting comment, 'Agent AJ' says, "Hey guys, whatcha' doin'?" in a cool Gangstas' of Mirkwood voice. He also said, "Oppa gangnam style" even though all of us hate that song. To the point where all of us are certain we spelled that wrong. See you guys later!**


	21. The Return of Gollum

**A/N: Hey everyone. Sorry I'm getting to it so late, had a busy day. Anyway hope you like it.**

Scene 21

(Frodo and Sam are texting each other from ten feet away. Gollum is watching them, sees the iPhone, wants it, and slinks down from a cliff. He jumps on Frodo. Frodo stops texting. They wrestle frantically. Sam keeps texting.)

**Sam:** Frodo, aren't you gonna text back, I've been waiting for like, five minutes. (looks up and sees Frodo) Oh my gosh! What the heck's happening?! (starts breaking up the fight)

(Gollum pins Sam down. Frodo holds his lightsaber to Gollum's throat.)

**Frodo:** You remember this, don't you? It belonged to my father before he died.

**Gollum:** Your father not dead precious.

**Frodo:** What, he's not?! What do you know about it?!

**Gollum:** We not tell nasty hobbitses.

(Gollum lets go of Sam.)

**A/N: Sorry it was short, but the next post in a second is gonna be really, really long, so no worries.**


	22. Pippin Gets a Barbie Toy

**A/N: Okay, reviewer #1, let's see...**

**Call Brandybuck: **Oh yes, the old lady is definitely returning but it'll be a while. I think it'll be in the Return of the King.

**ElrondofImladris: **You're welcome about the award. Yeah, I totally agree about McDonald's. Absolutely nasty.

**Saren-Dipety: **Aww, thanks! Nope, both of those nicknames are wrong. Try again!

**The NCISElf: **Nope, your guess is wrong. Try again! Ooh, question challenge time! Yay! Okay, Vibeka's not here right now so I'm gonna have to wing it on my own. Let's see... Question #1: Well, see, it wasn't out in the middle of the plains. In the movie, that's where they go, but this is modern times. No, it's just in some town somewhere out in the middle of nowhere. Question #2: Frodo and Sam had a GPS from Galadriel's electronics store that they had inherited from Bilbo. So yeah... Question #3: That's a good question. Why in the world did Sauron not have a GPS on his iPhone? I better check with him on that one. I'll be right back. (Five minutes later.) Okay, Sauron said that he had a GPS on there, so I'm assuming Frodo and Sam didn't use it just because it's Sauron's evil iPhone and you're not supposed to turn it on, etc., etc., you get the point. Of course, then why is Frodo using it to text? Okay, I'm at an impasse. Maybe Sauron's lying. Question #4: Well, it's like Merry and Pipping loving beer and ale in the movies. That's not exactly good for you either. In here, it's coke. Question #5: We don't particularly like Gangnam Style because, um, let me think... I got it! It's a sort of bizarre and a little weird music video and we tend to dislike some super uber popular songs anyway. Such as Baby. And Call Me Maybe. And Friday. I don't know. No really good reason though. Question #P.S.: I will tell him that.

Scene 22

(Merry and Pippin are shown being thrown to the ground in a house.)

**Uruk-Hai:** We're not going no further until we've had a breather.

**CCC:** Find a light bulb, this one's broken!

(The CCC and the Uruk start looking in cabinets for lightbulbs. Pippin crawls towards Merry.)

**Pippin:** Merry! Merry!

**Merry:** Stop shouting at me! You're way too paranoid.

(Pippin grins. As the CCC and the Uruk-Hai trash the house a low loud groaning noise is heard.)

**Pippin:** What's making that noise?

**Merry:** It's the heater, they just turned it on.

**Pippin:** What?

**Merry:** You remember Bilbo's house? People used to say there was something in his heater that made it really really loud.

**Pippin:** Loud?

**Merry:** Um, yeah, loud. Loud enough that you can't hear me well enough.

**Uruk-Hai:** I'm starving. We ain't had nothing but greasy fast-food for three stinkin' days!

**CCC:** Yeah! Why can't we have some nice gourmet food for once?! (looks at the hobbits) What about them? They're fresh.

**Uruk-Hai:** They are not for eating.

(Uruk-Hai drags Merry and Pippin away from the CCC.)

**CCC:** What about their legs? They don't need those.

(Merry and Pippin look astonished and glance at their legs.)

**CCC:** They look tasty.

(He walks towards the hobbits but his thrown back by the Uruk-hai.)

**Uruk-Hai:** Get back, scum! The prisoners go to Mordor. Alive and unspoiled.

**CCC:** Alive? (moves towards the hobbits again) Why alive? Do they give good sport?

**Uruk-Hai:** They have something. An Elvish weapon. The master wants it for the war.

(CCC creeps up to the hobbits with his blade.)

**Pippin:** They think we have the iPhone.

**Merry:** Shh! As soon as they find out we don't, we're dead.

(CCC is close to the hobbits now and raises his blade.)

**CCC:** Just a mouthful... (Uruk-Hai turns around) ...a bit of the flank.

(Uruk-Hai raises his scimitar and knocks the knife out of the CCC's hand which bounces off the hobbits shoulders. The Uruk-Hai opens the fridge and sees the gourmet food piled in there.)

**Uruk-Hai:** Looks like meat's back on the menu.

(The Uruk-Hai and the CCC push past Merry and Pippin, throwing them to the ground again as they fight to get to the fridge.)

**Merry:** Pippin. Let's go.

(They begin to crawl away. Suddenly they are stopped as the CCC places a foot on Merry's back. Pippin rolls over to see him.)

**CCC:** Go on. Call for help. (he squeezes Pippin's cheeks) Squeal. No one's going to save you now.

(He throws them in the bathroom and locks the door.)

**Pippin:** Well, at least we've got restroom facilities.

**(Transition)**

(CCC opens bathroom door to see Pippin playing Angry Birds and Merry leaning over the toilet gagging.)

**CCC:** Here's your dinner. Enjoy your Burger King kid's meals, because I won't. But I will enjoy eating you guys later after you're nice and

chubby.

(Pippin puts away the iPod Touch and grabs the kid's meal and tears it open.)

**Pippin:** Aww, it's a Barbie toy. Hey Merry, what do you have?

**Merry:** *gag, cough, hack, barf, moan, whimper, groan, cough, gag*

**Pippin:** I've never heard of that toy. What does it do?

**Merry:** *cough, barf*

**Pippin:** Hmm, interesting.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed, remember to review, and keep guessing Agent AJ's real name! You only have to guess his first name though. Oh, and also, remember to take the poll on my profile of which characters from this story are the best.**


	23. An Exchange of 20 Dollars

**A/N: Hi again! Thanks for all the fantastic reviews! I think I got about ten just yesterday. Yay!**

Scene 23

(Gollum is wearing handcuffs and is being towed along by Sam & Frodo.)

**Gollum:** Help, it keeps us from catching fishes, the metal will rust!

**Sam:** Gollum, it's plastic. I keep on telling you that and you won't listen!

**Gollum:** It's not plastic, it's metal, and it burns us.

**Sam:** Frodo, can't you just kill him? He's getting on my nerves.

**Gollum:** No, no, that would kill us, kill us!

**Sam:** Yes Gollum, very good, that's the point.

(Frodo pulls out his lightsaber.)

**Lightsaber:** Low battery. Retracting. May the Force be with you while I am out of batteries.

(Lightsaber retracts into the hilt.)

**Frodo:** Darn! And there's no plug to recharge it!

**Gollum:** Pleeeeease take the cuffs off, pleeeeeeease take them off.

**Sam:** Are you serious?

**Gollum:** We gives you $20!

**Frodo:** Oh fine.

(Takes $20 from Gollum and takes off the handcuffs.)

**Frodo:** Do you know the way to Mordor?

**Gollum:** Yes, we knows. Nice place, Mordor. We went there on our vacations, yes precious.

(Frodo and Sam exchange weird looks.)

**A/N: Hmmm, another one of our favorite scenes. Next scene will be up in a bit.**


	24. Death From the Flu

**A/N: Okay everyone. Time for replies.**

**ElrondofImladris: **It's not just Sam that's obsessed with texting, it's pretty much everyone in Middle Earth. It's a society that runs on texting. In the movie they were sleeping when Gollum jumped on Frodo and attacked him. Sam woke up right away and there's this huge wrestling scene. Well, yeah, there's electricity. Remember, this is modern times. We pretty much imagined them being in a house in a suburban neighborhood like ours. There's plenty of electricity where we live. Well, our Agent AJ has red hair. And your guess is right! You officially win one free internet pie. What kind would you like?

**The NCISElf: **First of all, your guess of Alex is right! Congrats! What kind of internet pie would you like? Question #1: The boy's toy was, um, a Nazi action figure. Yeah. Question #2: The heater in Bilbo's house was loud because he once dropped part of the dwarf gold that he had inside the grate and it sort of messed it up. Question #3: Well, I don't want to give it away, but I'll give you a hint: Remember, Gollum was once Yoda... Question #4: Yeah, he was probably bored. Most of the characters in this story are.

**Misto-Forever: **Yup, the heater is pretty much our equivalent of the ents. Of course, in this story, Merry and Pippin don't exactly go off, meet a friendly heating system and go ride with him to Saruman's tower... Everyone is Middle Earth is obsessed with Angry Birds because so many people here in the real world are obsessed with Angry Birds. I don't really see the point. Although it is a fun game. Sort of.

Scene 24

(Pippin is playing Angry Birds. Merry is leaning against a wall and his skin is very pale.)

**Pippin:** Guess what Merry. I'm on the last level of Angry Birds! (turns to look at Merry) Uh, Merry, are you alright? You look pretty awful.

**Merry:** *cough, hack* I'm just *gag, hack* acting.

**Pippin:** Oh, okay. (turns back to Angry Birds) Yay! I won! Look Merry!

(Merry is lying dead on the ground.)

**Pippin:** Uh, Merry? Merry? Merry?! Merry! Wake up! (pokes him, he doesn't move) Hey! Cashier person! Something happened to Merry!

(CCC opens the door.)

**CCC:** Darn, he died of the flu. I can't eat him now because he's infected! Gee, cheated of a good meal. (carries Merry off)

**Pippin:** Oh my gosh! What the heck! I thought he was just acting! Hmmm, maybe I can get his toys from his kid's meals now...

**A/N: Congratulations to **ElrondofImladris **and **The NCISElf **for guessing Agent AJ's real name correctly! His name is Alex! I find it very ironic that I woke up this morning and felt pretty horrible, and I think I have tonsillitis, and then here I am posting the scene where Merry dies of the flu. Huh. Interesting. Remember to take the poll on my profile if you haven't already!**


	25. The Crowded Freeway

**A/N: Luckily, I'm feeling a lot better, which means I'll be able to go see the Hobbit in theaters when it premiers tomorrow! Yeah! I can't wait! Okay, and now to my posts of the day.**

Scene 25

(Frodo, Sam and Gollum are walking, when suddenly they see a crowded freeway.)

**Gollum:** See, we led you out.

**Sam:** He led us to a crowded freeway. Great.

**Gollum:** Gollum knows the way through nasty freeway. Orcses don't know it. They have to go around the freeway which is like, impossible. Come, follow us.

**Sam:** Gosh, this place is too full of cars, and there's no fast-food places.

**Gollum:** Yes, no crunchy frieses to eat. We're starving, starving. Gosh, we wish there was a Burger King around here.

**Frodo:** (hands Gollum lembas bread) Here.

**Gollum:** Is it tasty? Is it cake? It looks like cakeses. (tastes it) Yechh, it chokes us. Tastes like barfses precious.

**Sam:** Okay, starve then, we don't care.

**(Transition)**

(Walking across the freeway.)

**Gollum:** This way. Don't follow the headlightses or stupid hobbitses become tasty road kill. (licks lips)

(Frodo is mesmerized by the headlights of a car and it is about to hit him.)

**Sam:** Frodoooooooooooooooooooooooo oo!

(Gollum pulls Frodo out of the way.)

**Gollum:** We already told you, don't look at the headlightses!

**A/N: Yup. That's what happened.**


	26. The Truth Is Out

**A/N: Alright, reviewer numero uno.**

**Everyone who almost died because Merry did: **I'm sorry that you guys have to suffer because we killed Merry off, but seriously, he's probably much better off than he would be if he had stayed alive. I suppose we could have killed off Pippin instead, but would you have really wanted Merry to be such a jerk to Pippin? I doubt it.

**The NCISElf: **Question #1: Frodo got the handcuffs from, um, I know! He found them on the ground. Totally coincidentally. Right when he needed them. Question #2: Gollum likes going to Mordor on his vacations because he's a very, very twisted person. Well, not really a person, but, you get the point. He thinks the glow from Mt. Doom is prettier than a sunset in Hawaii. Question #3: There were 37 levels in Pippin's Angry Birds. Question #4: Well, yes, Galadriel does sell lightsaber batteries, but you can typically get them at your average electronics store. Lightsabers take AAs.

**Misto-Forever: **Yes, everyone in Middle Earth are selfish jerks. That is the entire point. And the story will continue quite nicely without Merry. You will see.

Scene 26

(Sam's sleeping, when Frodo wakes up. Gollum's sitting, watching the lights from a city in the distance.)

**Gollum:** Precious...

**Frodo:** Who are you calling precious?!

**Gollum:** Master should be resting, master needs to get his sleep.

**Frodo:** Who are you?

**Gollum:** I once was called Yoda.

**Frodo:** Seriously?! Gandalf told me you were just another hobbit.

**Gollum:** What did you call me?

**Frodo:** A hobbit.

(Screeching Nazi is heard. Sam wakes up.)

**Sam:** The Black Bikers are attackin – oh look, I got a text, oh never mind. The Black Bikers are attackinnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg !

**Gollum:** Hide!

(Frodo starts hyperventilating and doesn't move.)

**Sam:** Come on Frodo! Don't just lie out there in the open!

(Gollum drags him to a nearby portapotty. Everyone hides inside. Screeches are heard and the Nazi appears biking by. Frodo's phone rings with a text from Pippin.)

**Pippin's Text: **Where are you? I just got captured by orcs. I've been looking for a chance to text you. If you're still alive, please answer. If not, don't bother.

**Frodo's Text Back: **Okay, Pippin, I'm still alive, but I'm sorta busy right now. There's sort of a Black Biker nearby, and if you text me back, the Nazi will probably kill me. See ya! Hopefully...

**Gollum:** Wraiths! Wraiths on bikes! They're calling for it, they're calling for the precious!

**Nazi:** Ehh, this is a waste of time. (bikes off)

**Gollum:** Hurry hobbitses, the black tollbooth is very close.

**A/N: Thanks for all your reviews, remember to take the poll on my profile and don't forget, The Hobbit movie opens tomorrow!**


	27. The Black Tollbooth

**A/N: Oh. My. Gosh. HOBBIT, HOBBIT, HOBBIT, HOBBIT HOBBIT! It was absolutely positively amazing! Everybody needs to see it sooooooooo badly! It was totally amazing! Vibeka and I saw it yesterday in theaters, and it was absolutely awesome. The movie was hysterical, and extremely well acted. We also think that Martin Freeman (who played Bilbo) is a better actor than Elijah Wood (who is one of our favorite actors), but I personally think Martin Freeman's ****_much _****better. Anyway, that's why we didn't update yesterday. So here you go with the incredibly short scene of randomness.**

Scene 27

(They're looking at the black tollbooth.)

**Gollum:** The black tollbooth of Mordor. Master tells Yoda to show him the way to Mordor, so good Yoda does.

**Frodo:** Alright, let's go.

**Gollum:** No! It costs too much! We'll never get through!

**Frodo:** Why did you lead us here then? That was really, really, dumb.

**Gollum:** Well Master never said to go into Mordor. There's a better way to do that.

**Frodo:** Well, show us.

**A/N: Again with the incredible shortness. This is shorter than our ****_first_**** tollbooth scene. Oh, and it was really funny. When we went to the Hobbit last night, when we came out of the movie, almost every one of the fifteen individual theaters was playing the Hobbit, and then there was one playing Twilight, and one playing Lincoln. It was funny. And amazing. So, next scene in a sec...**


	28. Arguing

**A/N: Okay, replying time.**

**Bronze Cat:** Yes. We actually killed Merry. Sorry. We're posting it via PM in your head (aka in your imagination). Also, yes, Gollum, will talk like Yoda later. Actually, in the next scene.

**Misto-Forever: **Like we have said before, old lady's coming back. Yes, yes she is. But not in the Shelob scene. We have something very, uh, different planned for that.

**The NCISElf: **Yay! We are so grateful to you for that question! That was one of the first things we came up with for this story, before we even wrote the plot, and it's all sitting on a piece of paper that we never ended up including in the story. So, here you are: Frodo has, of course, the one iPhone, with extensive apps, and WiFi! Sam has originally had a 90's cell phone with no texting, but we realized he needed to be able to text, and so we gave him a typical AT&T. Merry and Pippin have typical hobbit phones (aka AT&T's). Gimli has a turn-dial cell phone! Basically it's a cell phone with a turn-dial, like with the phones from the 20's, instead of buttons. This type of phone is typical for dwarves across Middle-Earth. Legolas has a pretty average Verizon, which sort of takes away from his abnormal perfection. Aragorn and Boromir have Androids. Not much to say there. Gandalf has an old 90's cell phone. In fact, it's the _one_ 90's cell phone. Anyways, hope that answers your question.

**Saren-Dipety: **We went to a Regal Cinema in _. Sorry. Not telling you where we live.

**AquaDiamond-Girl: **We killed Merry for reasons mentioned in the author's note below. And Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas will come back soon.

**veebeejustte: **Well, I'm sorry Vibeka, I answered the questions without you because you weren't available. You were in school. I was at home. Sick. If you remember.

Scene 28

(Sam and Frodo are walking.)

**Sam:** Hey stupid! Don't get too far ahead!

**Frodo:** Why are you calling him names?

**Sam:** 'Cause that's what he is! All he wants is your stupid iPhone.

**Frodo:** Hey, you have no idea what it did to him and who he was before he got it.

**Sam:** Look, you're not bringing him back. Once possessed by the iPhone, always possessed by the iPhone, that's what I always say.

**Frodo:** And what do you know about it?! Absolutely nothing! (pauses for a while) Sorry, I don't know why I said that.

**Sam:** I know, it's the iPhone. It's possessing you.

**Frodo:** I thought you just said – never mind. Anyways it's my task, my own. You're not gonna help me.

**Sam:** Can't you hear yourself? You sound like a bratty teenager.

**Frodo:** Yeah, and you sound like a nagging parent.

(Sam slaps himself on the forehead.)

**A/N: First of all, Vibeka and I just want to explain why we killed off Merry so that everybody will know forever. See, Merry is our fourth favorite hobbit. Unless, you count Bilbo, when he becomes our fifth favorite. Unless you count Rosie, when he becomes... Yeah. Basically, we feel a huge, burning sense of indifference toward Merry. We didn't realize everybody else loved him so much! When we got to that part, we figured it was about time to kill somebody else off, so we thought, "Oh, we don't care about Merry too much. Let's just get rid of him." Well, we were definitely wrong about nobody caring. But we're still not changing it. Also, special surprise! In honor of the Hobbit, since we went to see it and missed yesterday and it was so amazing, we're posting another scene! Right now!**


	29. Gollum vs Yoda

**A/N: Okay guys, welcome to 'The Hobbit' special! Except that's it not a special because it's just the next scene. We're just giving it to you in honor of the hobbit. This will be rare so enjoy it.**

Scene 29

(Sam and Frodo are sleeping, Gollum is off in the distance, talking to himself. Or at least, his other personality.)

**Gollum:** We wants it, we needs it. Must have precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false.

**Yoda:** No, not Anakin's son. The chosen one, he should be.

**Gollum:** No precious, that's false. They will cheat you, hurt you, lie...

**Yoda:** My friend, master is.

**Gollum:** You don't have any friends.

**Yoda:** Used to, I did.

**Gollum:** You're a liar and a thief.

**Yoda:** No, a Jedi I am.

**Gollum:** Murderer...

**Yoda:** Away you go.

**Gollum:** What did you say?

**Yoda:** Away you go and come back never.

**Gollum:** No, no.

**Yoda:** Away you go and come back never!

**Gollum:** No.

**Yoda:** Away you go and come back never!

(Silence.)

**Yoda:** Told him to go away we did. And he did. Gone he is, gone he is, gone he is, free Yoda iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissss ssssssssssssss!

**A/N: Hope you liked it, and we'll see you back here tomorrow! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! (Yeah, I know, not time yet, but whatever...)**


	30. Bacon and Eggses

**A/N: Hey reviewers and followers! I am so sorry I haven't been updating. I don't know, I've just been busy with school work and stuff, especially since Christmas break is coming up. I'm really sorry! Hope the scenes I'm posting will make up for the break.**

Scene 30

(Frodo is resting in a clearing while Sam makes a fire. Yoda summons some bacon with the Force.)

**Yoda:** Find bacon, Yoda did.

(Frodo looks at Yoda and stares incredulously. He looks at Sam who groans.)

**Yoda:** Tender and delicious it is, eat you must.

**Sam:** You're gonna make Frodo sick. There's only one way to eat bacon.

**(Transition)**

(Sam is cooking the bacon in a microwave. Yoda walks over.)

**Yoda:** Doing what is he?! Ruins it, the stupid brain-dead hobbit does. Takes after Anakin he does. Ruined the food, Anakin always did.

**Sam:** What we need is a few good eggs.

**Yoda:** Eggs, what are they?

**Sam:** You can boil them, scramble them, fry them in a pan.

(Yoda spits in disgust.)

**Sam:** Even you couldn't say no to that.

**Yoda:** We could, yes. Bacon you spoil. Nasty eggs you keep.

**Sam:** You're hopeless.

**Yoda:** With the Force, hopeless I am not.

(Meanwhile, Frodo has wandered off after hearing a strange bird-call. Sam and Yoda look for him.)

(Sam and Yoda find Frodo.)

**Frodo:** I thought I heard a bird.

(Suddenly Faramir, Boromir's brother, jumps out, and handcuffs all of them with more hideous plastic. Yoda escapes.)

**Faramir:** You're under arrest!

**Sam:** Wait! We're innocent travelers!

**Faramir:** There are no travelers here.

**A/N: Next scene I'll be replying to reviewers!**


	31. Surfer Dudes and Twins

**A/N: And now to reply to those billions of comments and reviews that I received. Yayness!**

**Bronze Cat:** Okay, I know what you mean about book Merry. Yeah, there he's much cooler. Sorry, I don't play Sims 2, but I looked up Mrs. Crumplebottom on Google and yes, that is exactly what our freaky old lady looks like! Awesome! Well, we didin't really do the Rohirrim, but we still have something really good up our sleeves. Mwahahaha!

**Saren-Dipety: **The Hobbit was so amazing! I'm still wondering how the heck they're gonna do two more movies out of what's left of the book. I mean, with a title like the Desolation of Smaug, it sounds like it's gonna go all the way to the dragon, so I don't really know what they're gonna do with the last one. Oh well, I'm still super-duperly thrilled!

**AquaDiamond-Girl: **Yoda won his freedom from his alternate personality, who was the one that was really obsessed with the iPhone. Yoda's real self is the character that is coming out now.

**The NCISElf: **Yes, Frodo is Anakin's son. That was probably one of our favorite plot twists! I'm not sure who was Frodo's mother. That's something that we didn't really ponder much. Oh wait, no, Padme is Frodo's mother. Yes. Yes she is. It's really twisted, I know, but yes she is. I don't know why Merry. I mean, in the end, it doesn't really matter much which hobbit dies in that part. Because everyone - Well, you'll find out in the conclusion.

**Misto-Forever: **Don't worry, they will be coming back very soon. We just have to get a bunch of Sam/Frodo scenes packed in here first, and then once we get past a certain point they can come back. It will be soon, I promise. Especially now that we've gotten to Faramir.

Scene 31

(Faramir has taken the hobbits to his hidden base. Faramir has a bunch of surfer dudes under his command who work there.)

(Faramir walks up to a surfer dude who's standing by a map of Middle-Earth.)

**Faramir:** What's new?

**Surfer Dude:** The dudes from Rohan, like, fled to Helms Deep. Scaredy-cats. We have to, like, look to our own borders man. Sauron's, like, on the move and we only have, like, 500 dudes.

**Faramir:** Um, that's bad.

(Frodo and Sam's handcuffs are taken off.)

**Sam:** (to Faramir) Boromir? Boromir?! Is that you?! I thought you died!

**Faramir:** No, Boromir was my twin brother, and yes, he is dead. You knew him?

**Frodo:** Yes, I knew him. Him, me, Sam here, a dead wizard, a dwarf, an elf, and some other guy, I forgot his name, yeah, we set out together, and then the wizard died, because this one old lady killed him, and the rest of us sorta went our own way when the orcs started killing Boromir. My name is Frodo Baggins.

**Faramir:** Yeah, we found Boromir's broken cell phone.

**Frodo & Sam:** (gasps) Really?

**(Transition)**

(The three are still talking.)

**Faramir:** (pointing at Sam) So, he's your, uh...

**Sam:** Gardener.

(Faramir gives a strange look.)

**Faramir:** Gardeners must be very respected where you come from.

**Sam:** Well, no, mostly electricians and people with a lot of money.

**Faramir:** And where's your friend, the guy who looked like he walked out of _The Return of the Jedi_?

**Frodo:** What are you talking about? We were alone.

**Faramir:** Whatever, just go away. You're bugging me.

**A/N: Well, hope everyone enjoyed today's post, and I will seriously try hard to post tomorrow. Review, take my poll, and Merry Christmas!**


	32. The Forbidden Pool

**A/N: Yay! I'm so proud of myself! I actually managed to update today, even though I was busy all day! Yayness! Hope you like the scenes.**

Scene 32

(The surfer dude wakes up Faramir that night.)

**Surfer Dude:** Faramir, hey man! We, like, found the weird Jedi dude!

(Faramir wakes Frodo up.)

**Faramir:** Come on, I have to show you something.

(They walk to an outcropping by the secret base.)

**Faramir:** (pointing) Look down there.

(Looking, they see Yoda playing in a crowded pool.)

**Faramir:** Anyone who goes into the pool without paying $3.99 bears the penalty of death.

**Frodo:** Uh, really?

**Faramir:** (deathly serious) Yes.

(Hears Gollum dimly singing.)

**Yoda:** Nice and cool, is the rock and pool, shiny so very, to find a penny, our only wish, shiny so very!

**Faramir:** Shall I shoot? (Holds up Nerf gun.)

**Frodo:** No, wait, he's my guide! I need him! Let me go to him!

(Faramir nods. Frodo walks to the edge of the pool.)

**Frodo:** Yoda, come here. Trust me. Come on!

**Yoda:** Go now we must?

**Frodo:** Yes, come on Yoda!

(A girl soldier who looks exactly like Legolas gets called to take Yoda away.)

**Frodo:** Wait, Legolas has a twin too?! Darn, just one of him was already annoying. Yoda, don't struggle.

(Legolas twin leads him away.)

**(Transition)**

(Gollum is brought to Faramir and is released.)

**Faramir:** Where are you leading them?

**Gollum:** Yoda, why do you cry, Yoda?

**Yoda:** Tricked us, Master did.

**Gollum:** Of course he did.

**Yoda:** But our friend, Master is.

**Gollum:** Master betrayed us.

**Yoda:** Alone leave us!

**Gollum:** Filthy little hobbitses, they stole it from us.

**Yoda:** No, no! Annoying only Anakin was. Drove me crazy he did.

**Faramir:** What did they steal?

**Gollum:** Angry Birds!

**(Transition)**

(Sam and Frodo are sitting.)

**Sam:** We have to get out of here! Come on Frodo, use the iPhone, just this once!

**Frodo:** (shakes his head) Naahh, too much work. First I have to take out the iPhone, turn it on, type in the password, find the app, press the button, and then, and only then, find a way out of here.

(Faramir walks in and pulls out a lightsaber.)

**Faramir:** So this is the answer to all the riddles.

(Walks toward Frodo pointing saber at Frodo.)

**Faramir:** Two Halflings, here, and a bunch of surfer dudes and Legolas' twin sister waiting for me to direct them. The iPhone within my grasp. Angry Birds just waiting to be played! (He laughs evily.)

(Frodo pulls himself away and runs into a corner.)

**Frodo:** No!

**Sam:** Stop! Leave him alone! Pick on someone your own size!

(Surfer dude walks in.)

**Surfer Dude:** Osgiliath is, like, under attack dude. They, like, need reinforcements man.

**Sam:** Please, can you help him? It's such a burden!

**Surfer Dude:** Dude?

**Faramir:** The phone will go to Gondor.

**Surfer Dude:** Alright, let's have a beach party!

**A/N: The surfer dude is a favorite character of mine.**


	33. Seriously

**A/N: Alright, who's first...**

**The NCISElf: **It was regular bacon. Faramir's the king of the surfers, like you said. And yeah, all the Gondor soldiers are surfer dudes. It was a sort of random plot twist we thought was funny. Oh yeah, here's your pie. *shoves pie toward The NCISElf*

**eamarszalek0822: **Sorry, I know everybody's really annoyed that Merry died, but honestly, he would have just died at a later date if he didn't at that point, and he would barely have appeared at all in any other scenes, so it's not such a big deal. And we're not bringing him back.

**Saren-Dipety: **Yeah, my mom is rereading the book, so I looked and the first Hobbit movie only covers the first six chapters. I think you're probably right about what's in each movie, but I can't see the last one just covering the battle and the journey home. I mean, it makes sense, but it would be a sort of boring movie. Unless they have something really new planned for the last one... Oh well. We'll find out when it comes out.

**Misto-Forever: **Yup, that's exactly why electricians are respected. And because they can fix electrical problems in your house so you can recharge your phone. Well, as you saw in the last chapter, Yoda isn't totally free from Gollum. It's sort of become a fight to see who will prevail. Frodo's a jerk in this story, I know. That was sorta the point.

Scene 33

(At Faramir's secret base, Legolas' twin sister, named Artanis, gets a call from Legolas. Artanis picks up and starts talking to Legolas.)

**Legolas:** Hi sis.

**Artanis:** Hi bro.

**Legolas:** Wuz up Artanis?

**Artanis:** Nuttin' much. A couple hobbits just passed by with a creepy Yoda dude, so it's been pretty interesting.

**Legolas:** Seriously? Did you catch a name?

**Artanis:** Seriously, I think there was someone named Frodo, or something like that, and his gardener.

**Legolas:** Seriously? You just met the iPhone-bearer.

**Artanis:** Seriously? That's epic.

**Legolas:** Seriously, I traveled with him for like a month until he left.

**Artanis:** Seriously? Wow. So why'd you call?

**Legolas:** We've been tracking two other hobbits named Merry and Pippin and we think they're close to you. Think you could go save them? They're in an orc house.

**Artanis:** Seriously? You want me to do that?

**Legolas:** Seriously, yeah.

**Artanis:** Seriously? Uhh, alright.

(Artanis hangs up and walks down the road and sees the orc house.)

**Artanis:** Seriously? It was right there? Wow. This should be easy. (pulls out Nerf gun)

**A/N: Yeah, the whole seriously thing was something that we had fun coming up with. Anyway, hope you liked and see ya tomorrow! And remember to review, take my poll and buy Christmas presents for everyone!**


	34. Helicopter Rides

**A/N: I'm back with another (this time incredibly short) installment of Lord of the Phones!**

Scene 34

(Artanis walks in the orc house. She walks down the hallway toward the bathroom and opens the door. She sees Pippin.)

**Artanis:** Seriously, who are you?

**Pippin:** Legolas, why are you asking my name? You already know it's Peregrin Took, but my friends call me Pippin.

**Artanis:** Seriously, I hate it when people think I'm Legolas. I'm Artanis, Legolas' twin sister.

**Pippin:** Cool! Why are you here?

**Artanis:** I'm here to rescue you and your friend, who, is, where?

**Pippin:** Ahh, he died. Let's go.

(They walk outside the house.)

**Pippin:** So, what are we supposed to do now?

**Artanis:** Seriously, I don't know, but what I'd really like to do is take some helicopter rides.

**Pippin:** Sounds great, let's go.

(They walk off to find a helicopter.)

**A/N: And so ends the Merry/Pippin part of the story. Pippin and Artanis will return later, but our parody of the Merry/Pippin storyline is over. *cries* Oh well. There's still tons of good stuff!**


	35. A Decision Is Made

**A/N: I'm actually surprised how few people reviewed the last two scenes. I'm assuming it's because it's now officially Christmas break! *squeals* So maybe some of my regular reviewers left to go somewhere or something. Oh well. Thanks to those of you who did review! Replying time...**

**bellakenobi:** If you were reviewing Chapter 4, then you still have a long ways to go. Of course, by now you've probably read it. I hope you liked it and continue to read!

**Saren-Dipety:** Thanks for the present and cookie! I just started winter break too! Of course, I'm actually homeschooled, so I don't notice it too much. That and I was sick last week and missed two schooldays which I have to finish over break... But it still feels great!

**Call Brandybuck: **Glad you liked it! Those are the parts which Vibeka and I laugh about in those scenes too.

**Misto-Forever: **Yeah, you're right about the raid. Actually, that's another favorite scene.

Scene 35

(Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli are lounging around in an average living room.)

**Aragorn:** I'm bored.

**Gimli:** I agree. There's nothing to do. We can't go off with Frodo to destroy the iPhone, and Artanis is taking care of Merry and Pippin.

**Legolas:** I have an idea! Let's go on a bunch of game shows and win a bunch of money! Then we can go shopping in Moria!

**Aragorn and Gimli:** Yeah!

(They leave to go on a bunch of game shows.)

**A/N: I'm so sorry that both scenes were so incredibly short today! They were short since they were both sort of climactic game-changer scenes in a way. Pippin gets rescued by Artanis, and Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli decide to go on game shows. So in my view, this is sort of like the end of the Two Towers, except that it's not officially, so I'm not gonna call it that until a little later. Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow! Review, take the poll (I added some choices, so you should check to see if your answers will be different this time - if so, take it!), and listen to Christmas music until your brain falls out your ears!**


	36. Double-Trouble - Part 1

**Please read! Even if you don't like author's notes!**

**A/N: Okay, so this next league of the story involves Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli going on a bunch of game shows, as revealed in the last scene. This is going to be a little confusing and weird to read, so we want to take a moment to explain. Okay, so when you read these game shows, imagine that you're a citizen of Middle-Earth. You're living in an average house, and you're bored, so you turn on the TV and see that a game show with our three heroes is on. So you watch it (aka. read the scene) and then during commercial breaks, you switch to other game shows. So in other words, these aren't in any chronological order, they're just in the order they were aired on Middle-Earth TV, and you are switching back and forth between shows. Okay. Now you can read.**

Scene 36

(Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn are sitting in the set for Double-Trouble, a famous game show in Middle-Earth.)

**Announcer:** Welcome to (dramatic silence) Double-Trouble! The game show where you win more money than Bill Gates! Remember, all answers must be in the form of a question. Our contestants are: Aragorn son of Arathorn, your future king! Gimli son of Gloin, a dwarf, and Legolas Thranduilion, prince of Mirkwood, an elf.

(The contestants walk out and sit in chairs.)

**Announcer:** The categories are (dramatic silence) Middle Earth Geography, Middle Earth Races, and (dramatic silence) Mordor Companies! Alright, Legolas, you may go first.

**Legolas:** I'll take Middle Earth Races for 1 billion.

**Announcer:** Elves.

(Legolas raises hand first.)

**Legolas:** What has blond hair?

**Announcer:** Wrong! Any takers? Elves.

(Aragorn raises his hand.)

**Aragorn:** What is annoying?

**Announcer:** Wrong. Gimli, do you know the answer?

**Gimli:** What is perfect?

**Announcer:** Correct! Gimli wins 1 billion dollars! Which question do you want?

**Gimli:** Middle Earth Geography for 2 billion.

**Announcer:** Full of horses.

**Gimli:** What is Rohan?

**Announcer:** You have to raise your hand first.

(Gimli raises his hand.)

**Gimli:** What is Rohan?

**Announcer:** Correct!

**Gimli:** Middle Earth Geography for 3 billion.

**Announcer:** The Crowded Highway.

**Gimli:** What is crowded?

**Announcer:** You have to raise your hand!

(Gimli raises his hand.)

**Gimli:** What is crowded?

**Announcer:** Correct! We will be back right after the break!

**A/N: Hopefully you figured out the right mindset to read this in. You'll get another chance in the next chapter. Oh, and this was a parody of the game show Jeopardy, in case you didn't figure it out.**


	37. Middle-Earth's Funniest Videos

**A/N: Okay, here's our second scene. And replying time. Actually, never mind. There's nothing to reply to. Okay, well, here's the next scene!**

Scene 37

**Announcer:** Hello and welcome to (dramatic silence) Middle-Earth's Funniest Videos. We will now watch the videos of our three contestants who choose to be anonymous for embarrassment reasons. Here's the first one.

(Aragorn's video is shown.)

(Aragorn's video shows him walking out the door of his house. He stands on the porch for a second, and everyone sees that he's in his bathrobe. He walks toward the mailbox on the road, and as he reaches to open the mailbox, he trips on the tie of his bathrobe and does a faceplant right on the mailbox. He lands on the ground face-up, and then the mailbox falls on his face and breaks his nose.)

(The video ends and the audience laughs.)

(Suddenly, you see an ad pop up.)

**Ad Announcer: **Welcome to Burger King, the perfect place to let your kids eat burgers and get fat! Hooray!

(You see the Creepy Cannibal Cashier smiling at the camera and grinning so you can see his teeth.)

**CCC: **We have a wonderful time fattening up your kids so we can eat - I mean, uh, blaga, buhguh, never mind. Hope to see you at our restaurant! (gives thumbs up)

(Commercial ends.)

**Game Show Announcer:** And now for (dramatic silence) our next video!

(Gimli's video shows him as a toddler learning how to use an ax. He is so excited to use it, that he walks up to his phone and hits it with the ax to see what happens. The phone smashes, and the ax-head falls off his ax. Gimli starts sobbing uncontrollably.)

(The video ends and the audience laughs.)

(You see another ad pop up.)

**Ad Announcer: **From Rohan, your center for good-quality cars, comes the new sensation...

(A pretty average sedan drives by.)

**Ad Announcer: **With three billion horse-power, this vehicle is more powerful than the Death Star!

(The car is shown approaching the Death Star.)

**Ad Announcer: **This car even comes with its own automatic planet incinerator.

(The car is shown firing on the Death Star, and it explodes.)

**Ad Announcer: **The new sensation - The Mustang! (in a really fast announcer voice) Theautomaticplanetdestroyerh asnotbeenttested. Theremaybesignificanthealthr isksifyoudrivethiscar. Carisnotfuelefficient. Youget0.5milestothegallon. Onlydrivethisvehicleifyouare oversixtyandundertwenty.

(Commercial ends.)

**Game Show Announcer:** Finally our last video.

(Legolas' video shows his brother sneaking up to the closed bathroom door. Inside, you can hear the shower running, and hear Legolas singing loudly and tunelessly to Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen.)

(The video ends and the audience passes out because they laughed too hard and couldn't get air.)

(Another ad pops up.)

**Ad Announcer: **Welcome to the elevator company that truly cares for its customers!

(Shows clip of rickety and disgusting elevator.)

**Ad Announcer: **We make a point to provide you with an experience worth remembering.

(Clip appears of family walking out of the elevators gagging and crying.)

**Ad Announcer: **Our beautiful elevator music provides you with a soothing trip.

(Shows a guy screaming and covering his ears as incredibly boring and disgusting elevator music to the tune of If You're Happy and You Know It plays.)

**Ad Announcer: **We hope to see you soon at Mordor Elevators Inc.!

(Shows family frowning and pointing thumbs down.)

(Commercial ends.)

**Game Show Announcer:** And now it's time to find out who the winner is. To do this, we have measured the laughter level of each video on a graph. (holds up graph) It looks like the first video got a 0.21 on the scale. Our second video got a 0.55 on the scale. Our third video got a score of 327. So it looks like the owner of our third video wins! Congratulations, you win (dramatic silence) ten thousand dollars!

**A/N: This was a parody of America's Funniest Videos. If you didn't get that. Which would be surprising.**


	38. Faramir's Feud

**A/N: Hey! I wanted to give everyone a special gift for today. This is the 100th review special! Congratulations to **Saren-Dipety **for being our 100th reviewer. This scene is our gift in thanks. Enjoy!**

Scene 38

**Faramir:** Welcome to (dramatic silence) Faramir's Feud! I'm Faramir, and this is (dramatic silence) my show! Our lucky contestants are (dramatic silence) Aragorn son of Arathorn, your future king, Gimli son of Gloin, a dwarf, and Legolas Thranduilion, an elf, prince of Mirkwood. Take your places please!

(Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli take their places at podiums.)

**Faramir:** Alright, the first question is (dramatic silence) what is something you do to your lawn?

**Legolas:** Water it.

**Aragorn:** Mow it.

**Gimli:** Fertilize it.

**Faramir:** Right! I bet you can't guess (dramatic silence) the next question!

(A commercial appears.)

**Commercial Announcer: **Do you want top quality gas for your car?

(Shows a sputtering car.)

**Commercial Announcer: **Then come to Mordor Gas Inc.! We refuse to settle for anything less than the best. If you want your car to be in tip-top shape, buy gas here.

(Shows car sparklingly clean and purring.)

**Commercial Announcer: **Find your local Mordor Gas Inc. and get rolling!

(A voice interrupts.)

**Voice: **(shouting) No! Don't! Their gas is terrible! It makes your car die! Don't go the-

(The camera shuts off before he finishes.)

(Back to the game show.)

**Faramir:** And the next question is (dramatic silence) what is something you might (dramatic silence) give your date?

**Gimli:** Chocolate.

**Legolas:** Love letter.

**Aragorn:** Hmm. I wonder. A lightsaber.

**Faramir:** Ohh, Aragorn, sorry, your date would probably break up with you if you gave her a lightsaber.

**Gimli:** Flowers!

**Faramir:** Right! Aragorn is (dramatic silence) eliminated! The next question is (dramatic silence) what is a book in the Lord of the Rings series?

**Legolas:** The Return of the Two Fellowships of the Kings of the Tower Rings.

**Faramir:** Incorrect. Gimli, any ideas?

**Gimli:** The Fellowship of the Ring, the Two Towers, and the Return of the King. They're like my favorite books!

**Faramir:** Congratulations! You're the winner of (dramatic silence) 25 billion dollars! Enjoy your money!

(Legolas looks scandalized. Aragorn looks indifferent.)

**Faramir:** And thank you for watching (dramatic silence) Faramir's Feud!

**A/N: That was the parody of Family Feud. That was another pretty obvious one. See you tomorrow! (At least, if I remember... I will see you before Christmas though.)**


	39. Frodo's Hairdo

**A/N: Hey! I can't believe today is the last Sunday of Advent! I'm freaking out! Anyway. Today's first scene is back with Sam & Frodo. Enjoy!**

Scene 39

(Sam, Frodo, Faramir, and the Surfer Dudes arrive at Osgiliath, which has been overrun by orcs.)

**Surfer Dude:** Dude, the orcs have, like, taken the eastern shore, and by night, like all the good surfing places will be overrun.

(Frodo stumbles and seems to be affected by something.)

**Sam:** Frodo?

**Frodo:** He's calling me. The eye is almost on me. Maybe he noticed my new hairdo.

**Sam:** Hold on Frodo, it'll be alright.

**Faramir:** Take them to my father. Tell them Faramir sends a really powerful present. (Surfer dudes take them away.)

(Frodo starts going into a trance.)

**Frodo:** They're here. They've come. It's time to party.

(Faramir looks at Frodo.)

**Surfer Dude:** OMGosh, it's, like, Black Bikers dude!

(Black Biker rides around the place. Frodo looks at him. Faramir drags them all under cover.)

**Faramir:** Stay here. Or else you're gonna have to have a spanking.

**A/N: Next chapter, coming right up.**


	40. The Spice Is Right - Part 1

**A/N: Before the next game show, it's time to answer reviewers!**

**Saren-Dipety:** Oh, believe me, there's a lot of game shows we have planned. And we're going to drag them out right until the end of the story!

**Applejackisthebestpony: **I was scarred for life when I saw that video too! I spent the rest of the day freaking out and in a hyperactive daze. It was weird. I'm also really glad you thought the raining/wet thing with Sam was funny! That's a direct parody from the movie, and that's one of me and Vibeka's favorite parts of our story.

**Everybody else who said they liked the game shows and ads: **I'm really glad you like them! We had fun coming up with them, especially the ads.

Scene 40

**Game Show Announcer**: Welcome to (dramatic silence) The Spice Is Right! Here are our blindfolded contestants! Aragorn son of Arathorn, your future king, Gimli son of Gloin, a dwarf, and Legolas Thranduilion, an elf, prince of Mirkwood.

(Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli sit down on chairs.)

**Game Show Announcer:** Alright, now, our first contestant, Aragorn, is gonna come up here.

(Aragorn spins a wheel with a bunch of numbers and spices on it. He's blindfolded, so he can't see what it stops on.)

**Game Show Announcer**: Alright, now time for spice number 7. (whispers to the audience) Cinnamon.

(Aragorn tastes the spice and guesses pepper.)

**Game Show Announcer:** You were (dramatic silence) wrong! The real spice was (dramatic silence) cinnamon! Now time for our next contestant (dramatic silence) Gimli!

(Gimli comes up and spins the wheel.)

**Game Show Announcer:** Time for spice number 2. (whispers) Paprika.

(Gimli tries it and guesses cinnamon.)

**Game Show Announcer:** You were (dramatic silence) wrong! The real spice was (dramatic silence) paprika! Time for our next contestant (dramatic silence) Legolas! But first, we're gonna have an ad.

(An ad pops up.)

**Ad Announcer: **Have you tried the new sensation that is gripping the nation? It's called salt!

(Shows a salt shaker sitting on a table.)

**Ad Announcer: **This revolutionary new spice has changed the eating experience for people all over Middle-Earth!

(A man is sitting in a chair being interviewed.)

**Man: **When I first heard about salt, I was a little skeptical. I mean, what could make food taste any better than it already does? But now that I've tried it, I'm never going back.

**Ad Announcer: **Salt is the new spice that makes food taste saltier. Before salt, food is bland. After salt, food tastes great!

(Shows a person sprinkling salt on a steak, shows kids with big smiles on their faces.)

**Ad Announcer: **Try salt today!

**A/N: Yay! I'm officially on Scene 40! And I still have 2/5 of the story left! o_O (That was a 'weirded out' smiley face.) Oh, and this latest game show was a parody of The Price Is Right. If it seems a little less like the original show, it's 'cause I had never seen it before, only Vibeka, and so I didn't really know how to write it, which got Vibeka confused, so... I will still post tomorrow, even though it's Christmas Eve, so hopefully I'll get some reviews! Oh, and I'm adding several options to my poll, so you might want to look at it/take it again.**


	41. The Dramatic Spiel

**A/N: BEST SCENE EVER! This is our favorite scene in the entire thing. Other than possibly Mt. Doom. But that's another story. You have to really understand the movies to actually get this, but if you know the lines almost by heart in this scene, then it's gonna be hilarious. A good recommendation would be to find a copy of the original script online and compare our version with the original so you can get it. So yeah. Now, to Frodo and Sam!**

Scene 41

(Frodo is possessed and starts walking out from where they're hidden in Osgiliath.)

**Sam:** What the heck are you doing?!

(Frodo moves his hand toward the iPhone and the Black Biker comes up and waits. Sam rushes up and the Biker reaches toward Frodo and Sam topples him over and they roll away. Frodo pulls out his lightsaber and holds it at Sam's throat.)

**Sam:** It's me, Sam!

**Frodo:** I know, I just felt like making it look like I was possessed by the iPhone so I could scare you.

**Sam:** I know, it's all wrong! (starts sobbing) We shouldn't even be here, we should be at home, watching Yo Gabba Gabba, but we aren't, and it's terrible. It's like in the terrible stories, the ones that gave you bad dreams at night. And sometimes you don't want to know the end, because it's too scary. Those were the stories that really stuck with you, and you never knew why. I think I know now. Scary things just stick with you for your entire life! People in those stories could have gone back, but they didn't. Instead, they went ahead and died, because they were holding on to something.

**Frodo:** What were they holding on to Sam?

**Sam:** A rope, 'cause they were climbing a mountain, and it broke.

(Faramir walks up.)

**Faramir:** I think we understand one another Frodo Baggins.

**Surfer Dude:** You know man, if you like, let them go now, your life is like, forfeit dude.

**Faramir:** Then it's forfeit. Release them.

**A/N: *sobs* It's so sad and dramatic! Not. Sort of an unfortunate comparison with the mountain climber there... Oh well, it's still hilarious. Next chapter coming soon.**


	42. Are You Smarter Than a Dwarf - Part 1

**A/N: Sorry. Lame scene coming up. Oh well. Replying time. Yay! **ElrondofImladris **and **The NCISElf **are back! Happiness!**

**Saren-Dipety:** Frodo's new hairdo is an afro. Can't you just see Elijah Wood like that? Doesn't it scar you for life?

**Applejackisthebestpony: **I have to say that yes, I can't believe he lowered himself to that level, but there are also other things. He was on Spy Kids 3, playing the Guy, and that in my opinion was even more scarring. Look it up on YouTube. Look up 'Spy Kids 3: Game Over - The Guy' by Steffany Bankenbusch.

**The NCISElf: **Oh, well some comment challenge you gave us. That was one question! Well, to answer your question, he is going to blow it all on something stupid. Like a lifetime supply of donuts.

Scene 42

**Announcer:** Welcome to (dramatic silence) Are You Smarter Than A Dwarf?!

**Aragorn:** Uhh, I'm so annoyed at the stupid introductions! Just get on with it! I'm sure everybody knows who we are by now anyway.

**Announcer:** Now introducing –

**Aragorn:** (cuts him off) Everyone knows who we are! Just get on with it!

**Announcer:** Take your places at the podiums. Our first question is (dramatic silence) What's 2 + 2?

(They all answer '4'.)

**Announcer:** Our next question is (dramatic silence) Do dwarven women have beards?

(Legolas and Gimli answer 'yes', and Aragorn answers 'no'. Aragorn is eliminated.)

**Announcer:** And now (dramatic silence) Is Jupiter on Earth or away from Earth?

(Both answer 'away from'.)

**Announcer:** Can you hold Pluto in your hand?

(They both answer 'no'.)

**Announcer:** Now time for a commercial break!

**A/N: Once again, sorry about the lame scene. This is a parody of Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. Which is obvious. Anyway, since you guys have all been scarred by Lord of the Dancey Dance, we decided it was just about time to scar you again. Check out '**Spy Kids 3: Game Over - The Guy' by Steffany Bankenbusch **on YouTube. It is terrifying. Basically, Elijah Wood had a cameo on Spy Kids 3 where he's someone called 'The Guy'. He's supposed to be invincible. He gives a long cheesy speech, walks in to the final battle, and dies. All within like forty seconds. You should definitely check it out. See you tomorrow with special Christmas update! We love you all reviewers!**


	43. Scary Stories

**A/N: MERRY CHRISTMAS! As a special Christmas present to you all, I'm going to present you with F****OUR chapters. This first scene is the last one in The Two Towers! *freaks and dies* Okay. Enjoy!  
**

Scene 43

(Sam and Frodo are walking in the forest following Gollum.)

**Sam:** I wonder if we'll ever be in those awful songs, or stories.

**Frodo:** What?

**Sam:** I wonder if people'll ever say, 'Let's hear about Frodo and the iPhone. And they'll say, 'No! Not that one Daddy! Frodo dies!'

**Frodo:** You've left out a main character. Samwise the Brain-Dead. I wanna hear more about Sam. Frodo wouldn't have died without him.

**Sam:** Now Frodo, you shouldn't make fun. I was being serious.

**Frodo:** So was I.

(Gollum is ahead but he can't be seen by anyone except you.)

**Frodo:** Yoda? We're not gonna wait for you, come on!

**(Transition)**

**Yoda:** Looks after us, master does. Hurt us he wouldn't.

**Gollum:** Master broke his promise.

**Yoda:** Poor Yoda. Only a nice Jedi Yoda wants to be.

**Gollum:** Master betrayed us. We want to wring his filthy little neck. (wrings branch with his hands) Kill them both, and then we take the precious, and we be the master.

**Yoda:** Knows the brain-dead hobbit does, watching he always is.

**Gollum:** We put out his eyeses.

**Yoda:** Yes, yes.

**Gollum:** Kill them both!

**Yoda:** Yes, no, maybe, know I do not! It's too risky!

(Sam and Frodo appear through the trees.)

**Sam:** Where the heck is he? Hey Gollum, where are you!

**Frodo:** Yoda?

**Gollum:** We could use the mansion.

**Yoda:** Tazer him, we could.

**Gollum:** Yes precious, and then we takes it once they're dead.

**Yoda:** Once dead they are. (holds finger to lips) Shh... (comes out from trees)

**Yoda:** Hobbits come, yet long ways to go.

**Gollum:** Follow me...

**A/N: It's over! *sobs* Okay. So what was all of your favorite thing you got for Christmas? Choose up to two things. My favorites were the Lego Lord of the Rings video game for a PC. I don't have it yet, it's just coming in the mail in a few days. My other favorite is, wait for it... All three extended editions of Lord of the Rings, including over 26 hours of documentary/behind the scenes/commentary footage on the making of. It has 15 discs, and cost $70. I was not expecting that. BUT IT'S AMAZING! Anyway. Now that I'm done yelling, I'm gonna post the next scene. Remember to tell me what you guys got that you liked!****  
**


	44. RotK: Gondorian Idol - Part 1

**A/N: And it begins. The Return of the King! But before we do that, let's reply to some reviewers...**

**The NCISElf: **Sam's speech didn't inspire Faramir to let them go at all. See, Faramir decided that it was too much trouble to deal with the Black Bikers being attracted to the iPhone, so he wanted to get rid of Frodo. He used Sam's speech as an excuse to make everyone think he was having a change of heart. He wasn't. In Middle-Earth, there aren't too many people who want to be on game shows. The elves don't want to stoop to that level, the men are too busy fighting off orcs, and the hobbits, well, they don't leave Hobbiton. And of course the dwarves don't have any interest. All this is increased because it's a wartime and so nobody's thinking about game shows. Except, of course, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli.

**ElrondofImladris: **Yup, it was Yo Gabba Gabba. A very stupid preschooler TV show.

**Misto-Forever: **I don't like Yo Gabba Gabba either. The hobbits watch it, because, I don't know. It's just a Frodo/Sam thing. They like it because they can laugh at the celebrities who go on there. Little do they know... You'll find out who wins the show later. And as for your question, I need to know a few things before I answer: are you talking about the book or the movie, and do you know the answer or do you want to see if I know because you don't?

Scene 44

**Game Show Announcer:** Hello and welcome to (dramatic silence) Gondorian Idol! Here, the best singers in all of Middle-Earth, and the worst, come together to see how good or bad they are! Our lucky judges today are (dramatic silence) Arwen, Daughter of Elrond, Eowyn, Noblewoman of Rohan, and Agnes Burns, the old lady who lives in the strip mall of Moria and who murdered the great wizard Gandalf.

(Everyone claps and cheers.)

**Game Show Announcer:** Our first singer is Gimli son of Gloin, a dwarf.

(Gimli comes out and starts singing his song.)

**Arwen:** Oh my gosh, that was just beautiful. It made me want to cry for joy. No criticisms.

**Eowyn:** Well, it was okay, but, you could have sounded less like a six-year-old.

**Agnes Burns**: That was terrible! Get out of here before I hit you with my handbag!

(Gimli leaves.)

**Game Show Announcer:** And now, time for a commercial break!

**A/N: Sorry about the shortness. Well, at least you're getting four since it's Christmas. And yes, Agnes Burns is the person from Moria. And yes, she's back. This game show is a parody of American Idol, which is once again pretty obvious. The judges are all different. Arwen is the judge who loves every performance, Eowyn actually has valid opinions, and Agnes Burns, well, she just hates everyone. With a terrible passion. The thing about Gimli sounding like a six-year-old is an inside joke. We had Agent AJ playing Gimli, back when we wanted to make the movie, and he was only six at the time, so...**


	45. The Spice Is Right - Part 2

**A/N: Another scene. Here we go.**

Scene 45

**Game Show Announcer:** Now we're back with (dramatic silence) The Spice Is Right! Your next contestant is (dramatic silence) Legolas!

(Legolas comes up and spins the wheel.)

**Game Show Announcer:** Time for spice number 5. (whispers) Dill weed.

(Legolas tries it and guesses dill weed.)

**Game Show Announcer:** You were (dramatic silence) correct!

(Everyone goes again. Aragorn gets nutmeg and guesses cayenne pepper. Gimli gets cayenne pepper and guesses nutmeg. Legolas gets chili powder and guesses chili powder.)

**Game Show Announcer:** And the winner of The Spice Is Right is (dramatic silence) Legolas! He wins five hundred dollars! Thank you for watching and good night. (falls asleep and snores)

**A/N: Once again, I apologize about the shortness. And I also apologize about it not being so interesting. The thing is, Vibeka and I like the Frodo/Sam plot line better than the everyone else plot line, so we spent a lot of time developing that, and not so much when it came to the rest. Still, we do have some moments of genius in the game shows...**


	46. The Sandcastle

**A/N: And now for the final scene of the day.**

Scene 46

(Frodo, Sam, and Gollum walk up to a sand castle in the middle of the road.)

**Gollum:** (pointing to the sand castle) Do not approach the witch-king's house.

**Frodo:** Seriously? That? It looks more like some little kid decided to spend a vacation day here.

**Sam:** Where did he get that sand? I mean, look around. It's just a bunch of grass, dirt, and pavement.

(Frodo walks towards sand castle. Gollum pushes him away.)

**Gollum:** Get away from the witch-king's house! It's dangerous precious. We hates it.

(Frodo's iPhone rings. He pulls it out and starts walking toward the sand castle.)

**Sam:** What are you doing?

**Gollum:** Come back! Stupid hobbitses, they will see us!

**Frodo:** They're calling me. (mesmerized)

**Sam:** No! They're not calling you! They're just calling your iPhone!

**Frodo:** (mesmerized) That counts. They're calling me. (starts walking drunkenly toward the sand castle)

(Gollum grabs Frodo and pulls him away.)

**Gollum:** No, immature hobbitses don't go that way. They go up the elevator, yes, good hobbitses.

(They look at an elevator sitting on the side of the road and walk in.)

**A/N: Now that they're in the elevator, all of the Frodo/Sam scenes will be epic! I'm really excited. Anyways, remember to review, take my poll, and tell me what your top two favorite Christmas presents were today. Love you guys!**


	47. Up the Elevator

**A/N: Uh, hi. Like my amazing greeting? If you're wondering why I'm using a different tone than usual, that's probably because I'm not Sarah (Gigigue). No, no, I'm not a hacker, I'm that co-author friend person she keeps talking about. You know, Vibeka? Yeah, that's me. So yeah. Anyway, I just thought that Sarah was being a TOTAL Author's Note hog, so I needed to write one. Anyway, here's our first installment of the day:**

Scene 47

(Frodo, Sam and Gollum are in the elevator.)

**Gollum: **Up, up, up the elevator we go. (Pauses for a while while annoying elevator music plays) Slower than snailses! And then it's the haunted mansion precious, yes.

**Sam:** And what's in this haunted mansion, one of your stupid tricks? Listen to me, even though you're so old you probably can't hear anything anyway. I'll try to ee-nun-see-ate. If Frodo gets so much as one scratch in this idiotic haunted mansion of yours, then you'll have me to answer to. If I see you doing even one thing slightly out of place, sneaking around in the night, or if any sort of instinct in my body decides that you're being suspicious, you're – (draws hand across throat), got it? No more Yoda, no more Gollum, 'kay? I've got my eyes on you. (does the 'I'm watching you' gesture)

**Frodo:** What was that all about?

(Sam and Gollum give cheesy smiles and look innocent.)

** Sam and Gollum:** (together) Nothing!

(Frodo looks dubious but turns away rolling his eyes.)

**A/N: End scene. Yeah... I also thought this would get me more votes on the poll (hint hint). Sarah's ahead of me by two votes! And one of the votes for me is the one I made! That's how lame you guys think I am? Anyway, next scene in a few minutes.**


	48. Double-Trouble - Part 2

**A/N: I'm really bad at starting Author's Notes, so I'll just skip to the reviewer replying part:**

******Everyone who said their favorite gifts:** So everyone got the LOTR Lego video game? I mean Sarah and I did, and almost everyone who reviewed did. Man, that's pretty awesome.

**Bronze Cat: **Yep, her name's Agnes. We typed Sarah's mom's name (that's who was going to play her) into an Old Lady Name Generator and that's what came up, so it stayed that way. And no, she won't really enjoy anyone's singing very much.

**AquaDiamond-Girl: **Let's go with that. He's an elf so he must be perfect at everything. Sigh. Sorry, I'm more of a Sam person than a Legolas person.

**Misto-Forever: **Um, how do we break the news to you? Uh, Gandalf's dead. Yeah. And we better not hear any flames about killing Gandalf! I'm sorry, I got a little ticked off at the flames on Merry's death, I mean Boromir and Gandalf were already dead! Anyway, sorry, I have a bad reputation for flaming flamers. Yeah. _This is Sarah writing for a second just to answer the mithril question. Well, in the books, Bilbo doesn't get the mithril until after they've defeated the dragon. Then they get all the treasure and he gets a mithril coat. So he probably won't get it till the second or third Hobbit movie. Anyway, Sarah out! _Sarah's our Hobbit expert. I was only interested until Bilbo got the ring. Someday I'll finish it... At some point... Well, Sarah will probably make me before we see the next movie. Anyway...

**The NCISElf: **Aah, the infamous question challenge. Alright, first off, well, I guess we never really specified one way or the other... Frodo and Sam were just curious as to whether they'd be known in the bad stories. But if they did... Well, they're already probably going insane, so why not? They're odd people-er, hobbits, I guess. Second, wait, the child didn't want to hear it! Didn't the kid supposedly say 'No, not that one Daddy! Frodo dies!'? But my three little brothers love that kind of stuff. They're messed up little demons. And third, um, I'm not telling you! You'll find out! Yeah, that's Shelob...

**hp1piececraziness: **I don't wanna know how long you spent reading all forty-six chapters of this... Anyway, good luck!

**ElrondofImladris: **Nope, no claustrophobia, just annoying elevator music and sneaking (hint hint)...

**Alright, now for our obnoxiously short scene!**

Scene 48

**Game Show Announcer:** Gimli, next question?

**Gimli:** Mordor Companies for 2 billion.

**Game Show Announcer:** Mordor Elevators Inc.

**Gimli:** What is torture?

**Game Show Announcer:** Raise your hand!

(Gimli raises his hand.)

**Gimli:** What is torture?

**Game Show Announcer:** Right.

**A/N: See, I told you it was obnoxiously short! This was just to inform you that Frodo, Sam, and Gollum/Yoda are using Mordor Elevators Inc. Bye!**


	49. Happy We Will Be

**A/N: Hey everyone! First off, Vibeka and I posted a new story (one-shot) today! We're really excited, because it was a moment of genius on our parts. So read it and review, or else death. Kidding. It's called _How Middle-Earth Turned Into Mars_. Yup. That's what it's about. Don't ask. Just read. Anyway, scene 49...**

**Disclaimer:** Since we've forgotten this for the past 48 scenes, we figured it was about time. We don't own Lord of the Rings. We're just breaking the news. Hopefully you aren't devastated.

Scene 49

(The elevator door opens and Frodo is about to walk out when Gollum pulls him back as the doors begin to close on him.)

**Gollum:** No, very dangerous to walk out, elevator doors very strong. Could smash your guts out. That would not be very pretty, would it precious?

(Gollum's eyes light up and he reaches for the iPhone)

**Sam:** No! He's gonna get the iPhone!

(Gollum brushes the holder but grabs Frodo's hand instead.)

**Gollum:** Stupid brain-dead hobbit, he knows nothing of the burden you carry. He will ask for it soon. He wants it. I can see it in his eyes. But if you come with me, happy we will be!

**A/N: Alright, next scene coming right up...**


	50. Saruman the DJ

**A/N: Okay, reviewer answer time... Oh and as a note. **Words like this **are Vibeka talking. **_Words like this _**are Sarah talking.**

**All those who said 'Hi Vibeka':** Uh, you know it's kind of creepy when people from the internet multiverse say hi to me personally. I'm flattered though. Thank you.

**Misto-Forever:** Yes, yes they are._ They will all go crazy. You will see what happens. _In fact in this scene, it starts to happen. _Gimli knows that it's torture because of the commercial for Mordor Elevators Inc. on TV. _And about the Hobbit, uh, I'll read it, at some point in my life.

**Saren-Dipety: **_Oh wow, your reviews were hilarious! Vibeka and I both laughed our heads off when we read them. _It was awesome.

**The NCISElf: **And _for_ our famous author's challenge... _As said above, Gimli knows about the elevator because of the commercial for it on TV._ Mordor also sells gas for one. _They also offer vacation services. _And they like to hire assassins, as you'll see in later chapters. For elevator music, we were envisioning something on the lines of 'If You're Happy and You Know It'. We got the idea for annoying elevator music from an ice cream truck which played 'Turkey In the Straw' over and over again in a really annoying way.

**Applejackisthebestpony: **_Your idea is good, _in fact wonderful, but we have something planned. _It'll just take a while to get to._

Scene 50

(Frodo and Sam are sleeping. Gollum looks around, and then picks up the lembas bread from Sam's pack. Gollum crushes some and begins sprinkling it on Sam's cloak.)

**Sam:** (starts humming dumb elevator music)

(Gollum recoils for a second, and then continues. The elevator doors begin to open and Gollum throws the lembas out. Sam wakes up.)

**Sam:** What are you doing? Sneaking around?

**Gollum:** Sneaking? Sneaking? How in heck do you sneak in an elevator precious?

**Sam:** Okay, so then what were you doing?

**Gollum:** Sneaking.

**Sam:** Ha ha, very funny. (wakes up Frodo) Come on Frodo. Wake up.

**Frodo:** Why should I? There's nothing to do here except listen to stupid elevator music. Wait a minute, it stopped. (looks delighted) Let's throw a party!

**Saruman:** (through a loudspeaker in the ceiling) Hi I'm Saruman, and I'm your elevator attendant all summer, along with your DJ.

**Frodo:** Some DJ.

**Saruman:** You have now arrived at floor 397. You only have 603 floors left! If you're still in the elevator, congratulations for sticking with us this long! As a special prize, you get (dramatic silence) absolutely nothing! We hope you enjoy the rest of your ride with Mordor Elevators Inc. Thank you and good-bye!

(Elevator music comes back on and the doors close. Everyone groans and covers their ears and crawls into a corner.)

**Sam:** Huh, I'm hungry. (looks in his pack for lembas bread) It's gone! The lembas bread! Oh whatever, I was sick of it anyway.

**Frodo:** But Sam, that's all we had! There's nothing else to eat anywhere!

**Sam:** Ehh, we can probably find a gas station somewhere and pick up some snacks.

**Frodo:** Sam, we're on an elevator. And I don't think I would want to shop at (imitates Saruman's voice) Mordor Gas Inc.

**A/N: So there. We got to the fifty mark. Which is partially why we published our new story today. Actually it was an afterthought, but it's a good excuse. Remember to review, read the new story, and do stuff. Bye!**


	51. Double-Trouble - Part 3

**A/N: Since it's Sunday, Vibeka's not here to help me, so I'll be going it alone. First off, thanks to those of you who reviewed 'How Middle-Earth Turned Into Mars'. We really appreciate it! Second off, this is another short Double-Trouble scenes inserted for clarification. So read it.**

Scene 51

**Gimli:** Mordor Companies for 1 billion.

**Game Show Announcer:** Mordor Gas Inc.

(Gimli raises his hand.)

**Gimli:** What is gross?

**Game Show Announcer:** Great!

**A/N: As mentioned, this scene is very very short. It was inserted to here so that you get why Frodo doesn't want to shop at Mordor Gas Inc. It would make for sense if this was in movie format, when you could jump back and forth between scenes very quickly and it wouldn't matter if it was short. The next scene's longer though, so stick with it!**


	52. Cool Rock Music - Or Not

**A/N: Here come the replies.**

**Saren-Dipety:** Your little stories are so hilarious! You're still going to be trapped in the elevator though for this scene. Sorry. I'm glad you liked Saruman!

**Call Brandybuck: **Well, actually, Sam does get kicked out in this next scene. The conversation wasn't over yet, so... Just read the scene. Nope, Shelob is not going to be Agnes, but it's going to be, um, interesting. Like most of this story.

**The NCISElf: **Yup, Gollum said he couldn't. Gollum's just weird that way. Saruman came on the loudspeaker because it's the standard routine at floor 397. He likes making periodic appearances to torture his passengers. The elevator music never changes. Never. Only when there are technical difficulties. Like in this scene. If you remember, Pippin is having helicopter rides with Artanis. He just does that over and over again until almost the end of the story.

Scene 52

(Back at the elevator, the conversation about the lembas bread continues.)

**Sam:** The question is, who took it... Gollum, you took it!

**Gollum:** Echh, we hates nasty elf bread. It makes us want to barf precious.

**Frodo:** He hates it, he didn't take it. You did.

**Gollum:** Yes precious, he took it. He's always stuffing his face when master's not looking. And look, crumbses on his jacketses. (brushes crumbs off Sam's cloak)

**Sam:** But, but, but, but, but, but, but, liar! (starts beating up Gollum)

**Gollum:** Help!

**Sam:** Sneak!

**Gollum:** Nasty!

**Sam:** Rat!

**Gollum:** Brain-dead!

**Frodo:** What the heck! (Frodo breaks up fight.) Okay guys, break it up. Sam, what are you doing?

**Sam:** Sorry, I, oh my gosh, I, well, I was just, like, really, really, angry, and, well, frustrated. (hyperventilating) Okay, let's just, take a break. (collapses on the ground)

(Elevator dings and the door opens.)

**Frodo: **Hey, just on time, floor 398. Now Sam, get the heck outta here!

**Sam:** But, but I, wait, I'm free from the elevator music! (walks out like a zombie.)

(Sam walks out and the doors close and the elevator continues going up. Sam finds another elevator across a room and goes in. Cool rock music is playing.)

**Sam:** Yes, thank you Saruman! Better music! Whoo! (starts dancing)

**Saruman:** We're sorry, our DJ was having some technical difficulties. Here's your favorite elevator music coming right up! (dumb music begins playing)

**Sam:** No! (doors close)

**A/N: ****Ah, poor Sam. At least he doesn't have as far to go in the elevator as Frodo and Gollum do. Remember to review, take my poll, read my other story (if you haven't already), and, um, other stuff. (Wow, you guys have a lot to remember.)**


	53. The Creepy Haunted Mansion

**A/N: Sorry we haven't posted in a while. With the new year and everything, we've been kind of busy. Anyway, Vibeka's not here again so I'll have to do this on my own.**

Scene 53

(Frodo and Gollum arrive at the top of the elvator, where they find a creepy haunted mansion.)

**Frodo:** Are you sure you want me to go in there?

**Gollum:** Yes, yes, you will die I mean, uh, well, um, it's the only way to Mordor. So, so, yeah, Master has to go inside. (cheesy grin, nods)

**Frodo:** Alright, if you say so. (rolls eyes, walks inside)

**Frodo:** Eww, what's that smell?

**Gollum:** Zombies, yes, yes, zombies precious.

**Frodo:** Um, okay... (scared expression)

(Walks more.)

**Gollum:** We must go potty precious, yes precious, we must, right now. We swears to be back soon, we swears precious.

**Frodo:** (looking at the room) Are you sure you can't wait?

**Gollum:** No, no, we must go now! (pained expression)

**Frodo:** Okay, but hurry up.

(Gollum waddles off, then when he's out of sight, Gollum chuckles and runs off in the opposite direction.)

**A/N: Hope you liked it. This is where Shelob begins. Mwahaha! Next scene in a minute or five.****  
**


	54. Gondorian Idol - Part 2

**A/N: Alright, ready for replies? I am.**

**Saren-Dipety:** You're little stories are still so funny! Luckily you can come out of the elevator now.

**Call Brandybuck: **IKR?

**The NCISElf: **I'm not sure what rock song it was, I'll have to check with Vibeka. I think it was the Witch King's idea to put Saruman in charge. He didn't have much else to do, so why not? The vacations go on a tour that involves Mt. Doom, Barad-Dur, and the Witch King's tower. It's very informative. Floor 397 is because Saruman wanted to surprise all the riders of the elevator with a random number. And Frodo's just weird like that. He was being influenced by the iPhone, remember? So he has the capacity to kick out Sam even though he's not mad.

**Misto-Forever: **Well, I would take the stairs too, except that there are no stairs. Just two elevators going either up or down. So Sam had to take one, and of course not the one he'd just come out of.

Scene 54

(We return to Gondorian Idol.)

**Game Show Announcer:** And now for Aragorn son of Arathorn, your future king!

(Aragorn comes out and starts singing his song terribly.)

**Arwen:** Aww, that was so nice. You'll make a wonderful king of Gondor.

**Eowyn:** To be honest, that was bad. I think you should stick to kinghood and not singing.

**Agnes:** GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I MURDER YOU LIKE I MURDERED THAT OTHER GUY!

(Aragorn runs off stage.)

**A/N: I know it was short but, hopefully you liked the Agnes line. We'll be updating soon, I promise!**


	55. Not Sticky Web Stuff

**A/N: And now comes the beginning of the great Shelob scene everyone's been waiting for! Yay!**

Scene 55

(Frodo is walking through the haunted mansion when he gets caught in web stuff.)

**Frodo:** Ahh! It's not sticky! What is it?!

**Gollum:** (in the distance) Was it supposed to be sticky precious? Was it supposed to be sticky?

**Frodo:** What are you doing Gollum?

**Gollum:** Just using the potty precious. Good news, the toilet paper's not sticky.

**Frodo:** Good to know...

(Frodo takes out lightsaber and cuts through web. He sees a spider shadow.)

**Frodo:** Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ! What is it?!

**Gollum:** A spider precious, yes, a spider.

**Frodo:** Well, you're taking way too long, get out here.

**Gollum:** Well, well, we clogged the toilet precious.

**Frodo:** Argh. M-m-mommy?

(Spider shadow moves closer. Frodo screams and runs. Gets caught in giant web and struggles to get free.)

**Gollum:** (singing) Naughty little fly, why does he cry, caught in a web, soon you'll be (dramatic silence) eaten.

**Frodo:** Gollum, are you still in the bathroom?

**Gollum:** No, we never were in the bathroom precious.

(Spider shadow gets closer. Frodo cuts his way out and starts to run.)

**A/N: And what will happen next? Read the next scene to find out.**


	56. Misery - S&F Mordor Remix

**Replying Time:**

**BrightWatcher:** Yeah, Eowyn is always the intelligent one.

**The NCISElf: **Um, the Agnes thing will be revealed more later, I promise. A tour of Mordor could be very informative if you were writing a report on it in school. So ha. And yeah, the orcs pretty much do eat them once it's finished. There aren't any stairs because Mordor Elevators Inc. wanted more business. Everybody was skipping the elevators and doing the stairs instead, so they were taken out. Sorry, Drimeth wasn't supposed to be in there. She was supposed to be Eowyn and Eowyn was supposed to be Arwen. We were originally going to have them be totally random people, until we thought it'd be cool to stick in Eowyn and Arwen. I just forgot to switch it. It's fixed now.

**Library2.0: **Glad you like it!

**Qu0thTheRavenNeverm0re: **You have a long ways to read! And I'm glad you think it's a relief from the Mary-Sue fics. My goal is to have all my stories be un-Mary-Sueish, unless I'm making fun of them.

_**Please read this author's note! It's very important!**_

**A/N: Alright, since this was originally gonna be a movie, we decided to be creative and add songs into it. Of course, now that it's a story, it gets a little complicated. Basically, this next scene is a parody of the song **Misery by Maroon 5**. We were gonna use this to narrate part of the plot. You need to pretend that they're singing while running and stuff. I tried to make it as clear as I could, so hopefully it makes sense. Got it? Okay, you can read.**

**Disclaimer:** We do not own the song 'Misery'.

Scene 56

(Misery - S&F Mordor Remix.)

**Frodo: **(spoken while running away from spider shadow) Oh no, oh no!

**Sam: **(riding elevator up to save Frodo) So scared of breaking it that you won't let it bend,

And I wrote 200 texts that I will never send.

Sometimes these cuts are so much deeper than they seem,

You'd rather cover up, I'd rather let them bleed.

So let me be, and I'll set you free.

**Frodo: **(sends this text to Sam's phone) I am in misery!

A spider is chasing after me, oh no.

Why won't you rescue me?

The spider is creeping up on me, oh no.

(spoken) Oh wait, Sam has limited texting, I'd better call him.

**Sam: **(hears in background) Your salty skin and how it mixes in with mine,

(spoken) Wait, is this a love song?

(hears in background) The way it feels to be completely intertwined.

(spoken) Yeah, it's a love song. Awkward!

Not that I didn't care, it's that I didn't know,

It's not what I didn't feel, it's what I didn't show.

**Sam's Answering Machine: **(answering Frodo's call) Sorry, Samwise Gamgee is not available, please leave a message after the tone. *beep*

**Frodo: **(leaving message) I am in misery!

A spider is chasing after me, oh no.

Why won't you rescue me?

The spider is creeping up on me, oh no.

(hangs up) Gollum, you really got me bad, you really got me bad.

Sam's gonna get you back, he's gonna get you back.

**Sam: **(sees Frodo and sings to him) You say your faith is shaken,

You may be mistaken,

You keep me wide awake and waiting for the sun.

I'm desperate and confused,

So far away from you,

I'm getting there, I don't care where I have to roam!

**Frodo: **(sings to Sam) Why did you do what you did to me yeah?!

Why wouldn't you answer me, answer me yeah?!

Why did you do what you did to me yeah?!

Why wouldn't you answer me, answer me yeah?!

(Suddenly, the spider making the shadow appears, and it's incredibly tiny. Gollum rushes out and tazers Frodo, who falls over.)

**Sam: **(looking at his phone) I am in misery!

My phone is out of batteries, oh no.

Why won't you ring for me?

'Cause Gollum is getting on my nerves, oh yeah.

(to Gollum) Gollum, you really got him bad, you really got him bad.

I'm gonna get you back, I'm gonna get you back!

(spoken) At some point, maybe, perhaps, possibly, um, oh well, whatever...

**A/N: Did you get it? I hope so. See ya'll tomorrow with another update!**


	57. Sam Takes the iPhone

**A/N: Alright, next scenes coming up.**

Scene 57

(Sam rushes over to Frodo)

**Sam:** Frodo, Frodo, come on, wake up! (tries CPR) It's not working! Maybe I should do mouth-to-mouth! Actually, never mind, that would be too awkward. Okay, I guess that's why Frodo took a partner. (takes iPhone from Frodo) I guess I'll have to take this to Mordor myself. Wonderful! Brilliant! I'm a genius! (laughs evily) (leaves)

**A/N: I know it's the shortest yet. I'm really sorry! That's just how it was written.**


	58. Sam Decides Not to Take the iPhone

**A/N: Replies...**

**The NCISElf: **It was Vibeka's idea to use Misery. I don't really keep track of what songs are popular. I really on her for that. The iPhone doesn't need to be recharged. I mean, it's the one iPhone! It's got an infinitely long battery life. Unless I specifically changed the speaker, the spoken parts are done by the previously mentioned speaker. Wow, that's confusing. Basically if I put **Frodo: **and then a whole singing part, and then it says (spoken), it just means Frodo's doing the speaking. He's just not singing is all. Well, the people who take the tour don't know they're gonna be eaten.

**Saren-Dipety: **Your reviews are so funny! What does OTRTNS stand for?

**Call Brandybuck: **Glad you liked it! :)

**ElrondofImladris: **Yes, we have about six more song parodies for the rest of this story. I'm excited!

**Misto-Forever: **Yeah, hobbits are strange. Of course, Sam was playing the song and singing along, and he didn't realize it was a love song, and then he heard the lyrics and realized what it truly was. Frodo thinks Gollum was still in the bathroom because he's really oblivious to everything. The webs aren't sticky 'cause it's like those cheap fake spiderwebs you can buy to put on bushes and stuff for Halloween. They used it in the haunted mansion. But Frodo is klutzy enough to get stuck in it anyways.

Scene 58

(Sam is about to enter Mordor. He sits down on a rock.)

**Sam:** Ugh, I'm too lazy to do this. You have to carry a phone in your pocket, which is really really hard to do. Well, okay fine, not normally, but this phone is like, thirty pounds. Maybe I'll rescue Frodo and let him do all the work instead. He's probably used to it by now anyway. Oh wait, Frodo's dead. Oh well, I'll rescue him anyway. (leaves)

**A/N: I know, I know, I know. It was short. You can yell at me if you want. That's just the way it was written. Please bear with me and wait for the other better scenes. I promise you it'll get better. Okay? Okay.**


	59. Mordor Factor

**A/N: Once again, really sorry about the shortness of the scenes last time. Hopefully these two scenes will be better.**

Scene 59

**Game Show Announce**r: Welcome to (dramatic silence) Mordor Factor, the show everyone's afraid to be on! Our contestants are to remain unnamed, so that people can't tease them for being afraid. Our first dare is, lie on a bed while a rubber snake crawls on you!

(All three lie on a bed while someone drags a rubber snake overtop of them. Aragorn screams and runs away and we don't see him again. Gimli is a little scared but he makes it. Legolas is unperturbed.)

**Game Show Announcer:** Congratulations for those of you who made it through this task. Your next task will be to kiss a dwarf on the forehead.

(A dwarf who is duct taped to a chair is brought in and put down. Gimli goes first and walks up trembling.)

(Suddenly an ad pops up.)

**Ad Announcer: **Don't be stuck spending your vacation time going camping in a place like Mirkwood.

(Shows a giant spider ravaging a families food supply as they look on screaming from their tent.)

**Ad Announcer: **Instead have a great family experience with Mordor Vacations Inc! Take a tour of Mt. Doom, where you can discover a live volcano with our professional orc tour guides.

(Shows a family walking around on Mt. Doom with an orc.)

**Ad Announcer: **Our other attractions include seeing the Witch King's castle -

(Shows a family ooh-ing and aah-ing at the sand castle.)

**Ad Announcer: **And Barad-Dur, where you can even see Sauron himself!

(Shows a family snapping pictures of the eye and waving enthusiastically.)

**Ad Announcer: **Finally, enjoy our beautiful skies, set in a perpetual sunset red from the volcano.

(Shows family sitting in deck chairs looking at the sky.)

**Ad Announcer: **Visit Mordor, the heart of the east.

(The game show comes back up.)

**Game Show Announcer: **And now, back to Mordor Factor. Will our contestant kiss the dwarf?

(Gimli screams and runs away. Legolas kisses the dwarf.)

**Game Show Announcer:** Well, it looks like the winner is Leg – oops, I mean, it looks like the winner is this handsome elf here. You win (dramatic silence) one hundred dollars! Congrats!

**A/N: Yup, that was significantly longer. Next scene coming right up. Oh, and that was a parody of Fear Factor.  
**


	60. Grenade - S&F Mordor Remix

**A/N: Replies...**

**Library2.0:** Yeah, I probably should have posted more than two... Oh well. I'm pretty sure the rest of this is average length anyways.

**And wow, that's seriously it. But that's okay. Here's another song parody! It's **Grenade by Bruno Mars**.**

**Disclaimer:** We really do not own Grenade. Bruno Mars does.

Scene 60

(Sam approaches a normal suburban house while looking for Frodo.)

**Sam:** Hmm, maybe he's in there! I think I'll check.

(Sam goes in, sneaks past a couple of orcs watching Teletubbies on a TV intently, walks around for a while, and gets lost.)

**Sam:** Uhhh, where the heck is he!

(He starts singing.)

(Grenade - S&F Mordor Remix)

**Sam: **Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live,

Oh take, take, take it all, but you never give.

Should have known you was trouble from the first time

You laid eyes on Gollum, that stupid troublemaker.

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,

You tossed it in the trash you did.

To give me all your trust is all I ever asked but,

What you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya.

Throw my hand on the blade for ya.

I'd jump in front of a train for ya.

You know I'd do anything for ya.

Oh oh, I would go through all this pain,

Take a bullet straight through my brain.

Yes, I would die for you Frodo, but you won't do the same.

No, no, no, no.

Black, black, black and blue, beat me till I'm numb,

Tell Sauron I said hey when you finally give up.

Mad man, bad man, that's just who you are,

You'll toss me off an elevator and make me get on another one.

If my body was on fire,

Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames.

You said you'd trust me, you're a liar

'Cause you never, ever, ever did Frodo.

'Cause Frodo I would -

(At that moment, Sam hears Frodo joining in.)

**Sam and Frodo: **Catch a grenade for ya.

Throw my hand on the blade for ya.

I'd jump in front of a train for ya.

You know I'd do anything for ya.

(Sam hears a slap.)

**Frodo: **(spoken) Ow, that orc smacked me.

**Sam: **Oh oh, I would go through all this pain,

Take a bullet straight through my brain.

Yes I would die for you Frodo,

But you won't do the same.

(Sam finishes the song and then runs to where he heard Frodo. Finally he finds Frodo, who's in a nice bedroom. Sam kills orc.)

**Sam:** Seriously?! You got a nice bedroom and all I got was a rock?! Anyways, I thought you were dead, so nice improvement.

**Frodo:** Um, thanks... I guess... BTW, the orcs took the iPhone. Is that a bad thing?

**Sam:** Well, the iPhone, well, I, um, well, I have it, right here.

**Frodo:** Really?! Really?! Sam, that's awesome! Now give it back! (Sam tries to keep the iPhone) No, seriously give it back! Mommy, Sam won't give me back my iPhone!

**Sam:** Your mommy's dead, and I'm keeping it!

**Frodo:** Fine, maybe I shouldn't have said the whole mommy part. (starts yelling random insults)

**Sam:** Fine, here.

(He reluctantly hands the iPhone back. They kill the orcs who were watching teletubbies and find Frodo's bulletproof vest.)

(Frodo takes the vest back. They leave the typical suburban home and head off into the sunset toward Mordor.)

**Frodo:** Really? Is that Mordor? That's just sad. I mean, seriously, they really need to evil it up.

**Sam:** I guess so...

**A/N: Was that long enough for you? Hope so, 'cause it's not gonna get much longer. We've officially reached 200 reviews! Wow. Congrats to **The NCISElf **for being the 200th reviewer. This is also, coincidentally, the 60th chapter. That's just as scary. I'd forgotten how many scenes we actually had of this. And we're not over yet! Mwahahaha...**


	61. Dancing With the Elves

**A/N: Hey peeps! Sorry we haven't updated in a while. We've been too lazy. That and, you know, school. Yeah. Anyways, we're doing stuff. As in, Lord of the Phones stuff. As in, these next two scenes. So yeah. Enjoy!**

Scene 61

**Game Show Announcer:** Welcome to (dramatic silence) Dancing with the Elves! Our special guest for the day will be (dramatic silence) Galadriel! The other dancers will be (dramatic silence) Aragorn son of Arathorn, your future king, Gimli son of Gloin, a dwarf, and Legolas Thranduilion, an elf, Prince of Mirkwood. Aragorn, take the floor!

(Aragorn and Galadriel walk up onto a platform. The music starts and Aragorn and Galadriel start dancing. Aragorn trips and falls over several times and overall pretty much stinks. Once the first chorus is over they stop.)

**Game Show Announcer:** Alright, it's (dramatic silence) Legolas' turn!

(Legolas and Galadriel dance this time. Legolas is pretty good. Once the chorus is sung again they stop.)

**Game Show Announcer:** And finally (dramatic silence) Gimli!

(Gimli and Galadriel take the floor and Gimli looks really funny but apparently he's doing good. They dance till the song ends and then all three contestants take the floor to hear the verdict.)

**Game Show Announcer:** Aragorn (dramatic silence) you stunk. And the winner is...

(An ad pops up.)

**Darth Vader: **Hi! My name is Darth Vader, and I would like to advertise our new product. We are now selling Happy Meals for only $3.99! Go to your local McVaders and try them out with fries! Buh duh dun, dun, dun, I'm hatin' it.

(The game show comes back up.)

**Game Show Announcer:** And the winner is (dramatic silence)

(An ad pops up.)

**Singers: **We have come to sing,

About Mordor Plumbing!

**Ad Announcer: **Incorporated! End scene.

(The game show comes back up.)

**Game Show Announcer:** And the winner is (dramatic silence) not Aragorn!

**Legolas:** Yeah, we figured that out already.

**Game Show Announcer:** And the winner is (dramatic silence) not Egolaslay!

(Legolas and Gimli puzzle over that for a minute.)

**Legolas:** Hey, I did good! That's not fair!

**Gimli:** Yayayayayayayayayayayayayaya yayayayayayay!

**Game Show Announcer:** Gimli wins (dramatic silence) 1 million dollars! Everyone else wins (dramatic silence) absolutely nothing! Thank you for watching (dramatic silence) Dancing with the Elves!

**A/N: Yeah, that was another obvious game show: Dancing With the Stars. Yup. Next scene will probably be up in like fifteen minutes. No no, half an hour. We have to type another song in, and with us, we get distracted and side-tracked pretty easily... So yeah.**


	62. Just Dance - S&F Mordor Remix

**A/N: Wow, that was longer than half an hour. It was totally worth it though. Replies:  
**

**AquaDiamond-Girl:** We actually lost count on the amount of scenes. It gets longer every time we go back through it. We have at least ten or fifteen more, perhaps twenty. And then we have our ten appendices, and possibly more if we come up with some...

**The NCISElf: **And for the question challenge of challengeness. Frodo thought his mom was still alive because the iPhone is corrupting him, and he's having memory relapses. Which is why the Mt. Doom scene gets so funny! Hint: It involves fathers... Mordor is the business district. Which means the orcs live in the suburbs. And yes, the orcs were watching Teletubbies. It was something that came out in a random spasm of, um, insanity? Which is what we had when we wrote this chapter too... Be prepared for lots of random insanity like that.

**And now, for the epic scene of epic sceneness. Well, not quite, but pretty dang close.**

**Disclaimer: **We don't own Just Dance. Lady Gaga does. Which isn't a good thing necessarily but...

Scene 62

(Sam and Frodo are walking in Mordor when Frodo realizes there's nothing left in his water bottle.)

**Frodo:** Sam, I'm, I'm so thirsty, I need, water.

**Sam:** Here, have some of mine, there's a few drops left. (hands Frodo water bottle)

**Frodo:** (takes a sip with a strange light in his eyes) Whoa, how did you get Kool-Aid?! That's epic!

**Sam:** Oh, I found it at that house you were trapped in. I brought a bag of chips too! (pulls out a bag and they start eating ravenously 'cause they're stupid and they don't know chips cause dehydration.)

**Frodo:** You know what, it's time for some musical entertainment.

**Sam: **Didn't we have that Grenade song like two scenes ago? And then we had that Misery thing? You know, two love songs in a row?

**Frodo: **Yeah, that was sort of awkward. Anyway, we need more songs.

(Just Dance - S&F Mordor Remix)

**Frodo: **iPhone,

Baggins

**Sam: **Gamgee,

Oh yeah.

**Gigigue (Sarah) [Author A]: **I've had a little bit too much.

**Frodo:** (in background) Much.

**veebeejustte (Vibeka) [Author B]: **My makeup needs to be retouched.

**Sam: **(in background) Like an Egyptian.

(main lyrics) This song's stuck in my head! What an annoyance.

**Frodo: **Where are my keys? I lost my Phone.

(The whole song stops for a minute.)

**All on set: **Wait, what?!

**Frodo: **Just kidding! It's in my pocket.

(Song resumes.)

**Sam: **What's going on in Mordor?

**Frodo: **I love this awesome iPhone, but I can't see straight anymore.

**Sam: **Keep it cool, what's the name of this place?

**Frodo: **I can't remember, but it's alright, a-alright.

(Song stops again.)

**veebeejustte (Vibeka) [Author B]: **Wait, how does that it happen?! You said it like ten seconds ago! Do you remember Sarah?

**Gigigue (Sarah) [Author A]: **No.

**veebeejustte (Vibeka) [Author B]: **Not helping.

(Song starts again.)

**Sam: **Just dance, gonna be okay, da-da-doo-doo-mmmmm.

**Frodo: **Just dance, spin that record Gollum, da-da-doo-doo-mmmmmm.

**Sam: **Just dance, gonna be okay, duh, duh, duh, dance, dance, dance, ju-ju-ju-just dance.

**veebeejustte (Vibeka) [Author B]: **(rapping) When I come through Mordor, checkin' out that corndog,

Can't believe my eyes, so many corndogs without a flaw.

And I ain't gon' give it up, steady tryin' to eat 'em up, I love corndogs.

I'ma eat it, I'ma eat it, and eat and do it until tomorr', yeah.

**Gigigue (Sarah) [Author A]: **(rapping) Oh yea, you can see that corndogs are so tasty.

The way you're lickin' up them lips side to side.

And now there's no reason at all why you can't give one to me.

In the meantime, let me stay and watch you chew it down, and -

(Music stops. Again.)

**Sam: **Wait, wait, what the heck? Why?!

**veebeejustte (Vibeka) [Author B]: **Because sometimes, *sniff*, when it rains -

**Sam: **Okay, now you're quoting me. Wait, seriously, why are you rapping about corndogs?

**Gigigue (Sarah) [Author A]: **Well, we had this corndog boy - but no. That's too complicated. We'll have it an Appendix at the end. On with the song!

**Frodo: **But wait, you didn't answer any ques -

(The song starts.)

**Sam: **Just dance, gonna be okay, da-da-doo-doo-mmmmmmm.

**Frodo: **Just dance, spin that record Gollum, da-da-doo-doo-mmmmmmmm.

**Sam: **Just dance, gonna be okay, duh, duh, duh, dance, dance, dance, ju-ju-ju-just dance.

Woo, let's go!

**Frodo: **Half psychotic, sick, hypnotic,

Got my iPhone it's symphonic!

Half psychotic, sick, hypnotic,

Got my iPhone electronic.

Yup, that's me!

(End of song.)

**Frodo: **Wait, so who are you two people anyway? You guys just sorta walked in and started singing.

**veebeejustte (Vibeka) [Author B]: **Like seriously, dude, we're sorta the authors.

(Sam and Frodo gape.)

**Gigigue (Sarah) [Author A]: **Yes. Yes we are. And now we're leaving.

(Both authors disappear.)

**Sam: **Whoa. They just broke the 4th wall. Okay, let's keep walking.

**A/N: That long enough for ya? It was for us. We're exhausted. Anyone catch the serious dude sorta thing? You know, a repetition of all the past gags? Yeah. Oh, and the thing about the strange light in his eyes? That was taken directly from the Lord of the Rings script. We thought it was funny. That's enough for today. Our brains are fried...**


	63. Double-Trouble - Part 4

**A/N: We're back for your next installment of (dramatic silence) Mordor Plumbing Inc! Wait, no, wrong thing. We mean Lord of the Phones. Yeah.**

Scene 63

**Game Show Announcer:** And now back to, Double-Trouble! Gimli, next question.

**Gimli:** Middle Earth Geography for 1 billion.

**Game Show Announcer:** Farthest east.

(Gimli raises his hand.)

**Gimli:** Where is Mordor?

**Game Show Announcer:** Right!

**Gimli:** Mordor Companies for 3 billion.

**Game Show Announcer:** Mordor Plumbing Inc.

(Gimli raises his hand.)

**Gimli:** What fixes your drainpipes?

**Game Show Announcer:** Correct! Gimli wins the game! He wins (dramatic silence) 18 billion dollars! Legolas and Aragorn both get (dramatic silence) absolutely nothing! Thank you for participating in and watching (dramatic silence) Double-Trouble! Now get the heck out of here and stop stealing my money!

**A/N: Wow, we really dragged this out for a long time, didn't we? This is the fourth installment of Double-Trouble, and it's not even our best game show. In fact, this was our worst game show. Yeah, we're lame. And stuff. Okay, next scene should be up in a little bit, unless we get distracted...**


	64. Frodo's Bad Memory

**A/N: Replies:**

**BrightWatcher:** No, they will never be tied. Ever. And you already saw the Black Gate - it was the Black Tollbooth, remember? The second one, not the first one.

**Saren-Dipety: **No, Aragorn hasn't every won any of them, and he never will. Poor guy. *sniffle* Nah, we feel no sympathy.

**Aruraina: **Wow, you have a long ways to go... Actually, by the time you read this, the story will probably be almost done being posted. So yeah.

**Alright, here we are...**

Scene 64

(Sam and Frodo are walking up Mt. Doom when Frodo collapses. Sam walks over.)

**Sam:** Frodo, do you remember playing Wii back in the Shire, and how you'd always win and I'd get mad at you? And how we'd hang out at the ice cream place downtown, and Pippin always hated the vanilla frozen yogurt? It'll be spring soon, and the new iPad will come out, and probably with ten billion new apps too! And remember going swimming at the pool and you lost your goggles in the kiddie pool? That was sorta dumb, but do you remember that?

**Frodo:** (extra dramatically) No Sam, I can't remember the taste of food, even though I just had chips an hour ago, and I can't remember the taste of water, only the taste of Kool-Aid. I don't even have any idea what the new iPad will look like. And it was not the kiddie pool, it was the puddle out back! Sam, I can't go on anymore. I can't do this.

**A/N: That was short, we know, but it's the totally awesome speech scene. This one's a direct parody in case you didn't catch it. So yeah. Bye.**


	65. Are You Smarter Than a Dwarf - Part 2

**A/N: We disappeared off the face of the planet for four days (we were taking a trip to Mars to see the ruins of Bag End) and now we're back. That's our excuse for not updating in a while. If you didn't get that joke, read** How Middle-Earth Turned Into Mars **by us. So here's our next scene.**

**Disclaimer: **We don't own the Princess Bride. But they're really awesome. We also don't own that calculus problem. We got it off the internet, so...

Scene 65

**Game Show Announcer:** And now back to, Are You Smarter Than a Dwarf?! Okay, which of the following is in Mordor? Mt. Doom, the Shire, Gondor, or Rohan?

**Legolas: **Mt. Doom.

**Gimli: **Mt. Doom.

**Game Show Announcer:** So, Let f(x) = 0 if x is rational, and f(x) = x if x is not rational. Show _f_ is continuous only at 0.

**Legolas:** I refuse to respond this question as it contradicts my religious beliefs.

**Game Show Announcer:** What beliefs?

**Legolas:** I believe that if an elf has to think too hard their hair will go gray early!

**Announcer:** But elves have eternal youth! Their hair doesn't go gray!

**Legolas:** And?

**Game Show Announcer:** That means you're out!

**Legolas:** Darnit...

**Game Show Announcer:** Gimli, do you know the answer?

**Gimli:** Let ε 0 and let δ = ε. Then for any |_x_| ε, |_f_(_x_)| = 0 if _x_ is rational and |_f_(_x_)| = |_x_| ε if _x_ is irrational. Thus, _f_ is continuous at 0. For _a_ ≠ 0 and rational, |_f_(_x_)| = 0 or |_x_|. For ε |_a_|, any δ 0, there is an |_x_ – _a_| δ such that |_x_| |_a_|, so _f_ is not continuous at _a_. For _a_ irrational, |_f_(_x_) – _f _(_a_)| = |_a_| or |_x_ - _a_|, so again we fail for ε _a_.

**Game Show Announcer:** Correct! Now the next question. Is the state of New York in Middle Earth?

**Gimli:** No.

**Game Show Announcer:** Is grass green?

**Gimli: **Yes.

**Game Show Announcer:** Does Aragorn have six fingers on his left hand?

**Gimli:** Do all episodes of this game show have that question?

**Game Show Announcer:** Well, my father was murdered by a guy with a six-fingered left hand, so I was just wondering.

**Gimli:** No, he only has five.

**Game Show Announcer:** Are you smarter than a dwarf?

**Gimli:** Um, I am a dwarf.

**Game Show Announcer:** Congratulations, you have officially won (dramatic silence) Are You Smarter Than a Dwarf! Gimli wins (dramatic silence) one million dollars! Thank you for watching -

(A trailer for a movie pops up.)

**Vibeka: **Coming soon to a theater that is nonexistent...

**Sarah: **The sensation that's gripping the entire Lord of the Rings fandom!

**Vibeka: **It's exciting, it's dramatic, it's completely idiotic!

**Sarah: **It's Lord of the Phoooooooones!

(Random clips from the movie are shown as follows:)

**Man: **When I first heard about salt, I was a little skeptical.

**Pippin:** (From behind a newspaper whispers to Merry) Do you think he can see us?

**Elrond: **I now pronounce you - the Gangsta's of Mirkwood!

**Voice: **(whispering gently) Cheese curls...

**Frodo:** Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooo! Okay, I'm good. Let's go.

**Frodo:** They're here. They've come. It's time to party.

**Legolas: **Seriously?

**Artanis: **Seriously.

**Sam: **Wait, wait, what the heck? Why?!

**Sam: **Throw it in!  
**Frodo: **No! I'm on the -  
**Vibeka and Sarah: **Wait, wait, no! (waving arms to cover screen) You haven't gotten to that part yet! Change the channel, please!

(Trailer cuts off dramatically.)

**Vibeka: **Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

**Sarah Trying to Impersonate Darth Vader: **We are having technical difficulties.

**Vibeka: **(even higher pitched) Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

(The game show comes back up.)

**Game Show Announcer:** Thank you for watching Are You Smarter Than a Dwarf!

**A/N: ****Free internet pie to anyone who says they actually understood that calculus problem. When we first found it, we didn't understand any of it. Now, we understand about 2% more than last time. Only because we're in Algebra rather than Math 7... A billion internet pies to anyone who guesses where all the lines in the trailer are from (as in which scene, not which story), except the last couple that we interrupted. So yeah. Next scene up at some point.  
**


	66. Tonight Tonight - S&F Mordor Remix

**A/N: Replies...**

**Saren-Dipety: **Well, even though we do have the whole script already written, we still have to revise it. What typically happens is that we'll get to some funny line, start laughing our heads off, then say something about a funny part in Lord of the Rings, and then go on from there.

**BrightWatcher:** Well, see, we don't actually _have_ that scene in this... Yeah...

**Yup. Next scene coming up.**

**Disclaimer: **We don't own Tonight, Tonight. Hot Chelle Rae does.

Scene 66

(We return to Sam and Frodo.)

**Sam:** (even more dramatically) Well, come on Frodo, we have to get moving. I can't carry the iPhone, but I can carry you! (picks up Frodo and drops him) Never mind, I can't, crawl on your own, I don't have time to carry you. Stop whining and get off the ground.

**Frodo:** Why thank you for helping me. (starts running up the slope)

**Sam:** (calling up after him) I thought you needed help! I thought you said you couldn't go on anymore!

**Frodo:** Well, too bad!

(Tonight Tonight comes on.)

(Tonight, Tonight - S&F Mordor Remix)

**Frodo: **It's been a really, really messed up year,

365 of torture and 365 of bitter,

And my minion went and tried to kill me.

He's a 500-year-old alien and it's time for me to leave him.

**Frodo and Sam: **(together) La, la, la, whatever.

La, la, la, it doesn't matter.

La, la, la, oh well.

La, la, la.

We're goin' at it tonight, tonight.

There's a party on Mt. Doom, top of the world.

Tonight, tonight, and we're dancin' on the edge of the Crack of Doom.

I don't know if I'll make it, but oh well, who cares.

It's alright, alright, tonight, tonight.

**Sam: **Frodo got this really strange Phone.

Not sure how he got it, not a dollar in his pocket,

And it's totally possessing him.

I've just about had it, 'cause it's getting really annoying.

**Frodo and Sam: **(together) La, la, la, whatever.

La, la, la, it doesn't matter.

La, la, la, oh well.

La, la, la.

We're goin' at it tonight, tonight.

There's a party on Mt. Doom, top of the world.

Tonight, tonight, and we're dancin' on the edge of the Crack of Doom.

I don't know if I'll make it, but oh well, who cares.

It's alright, alright, tonight, tonight.

(The song ends and Frodo and Sam continue walking up Mt. Doom.)

**A/N: Yes, that's what happened.** **Muahahaha. Read and review please!**


	67. Gondorian Idol - Part 3

**A/N: Today is the last day of Lord of the Phones posting. Yes, it really is. Except that it's not. The next three scenes are the last official scenes, but there will be more! We promise! We're including many things, such as end credits, an epilogue that everyone will hate, and appendices. So keep reading. This is very important - keep reading. The appendices and things will be posted later this week. So yeah.**

Scene 67

(Back to Gondorian Idol.)

**Game Show Announcer:** And now for our third contestant, Legolas Greenleaf, an elf, prince of Mirkwood!

(Legolas comes up and sings his song.)

**Arwen:** Oh my gosh, I could faint! (faints)

**Eowyn:** That was pretty nice. (claps)

**Agnes:** That stunk.

**Game Show Announcer:** It looks like we have a winner. Aragorn son of Arathorn!

(Aragorn looks stunned, since he did so terribly. Agnes shoots a Nerf gun bullet at him and he dies.)

**Game Show Announcer:** Just kidding! Our real winner is –

(An ad pops up.)

**Ad Announcer: **Introducing the best assassin in all of Mordor!

(A person's silhouette is shown.)

**Ad Announcer: **You hire her, she kills 'em.

(Silhouette is shown drawing gun.)

**Ad Announcer: **We are - Agnes Burns Assassins Incorporated!

(The camera shows Agnes Burns, who points her gun at the ad announcer and shoots him.)

(The game show comes back up.)

**Game Show Announcer:** Our real winner is (dramatic silence) Legolas! You win (dramatic silence) one thousand dollars!

**A/N: Finally, the last game show scene! That was really tedious, we know. And before you ask, Aragorn and the Ad Announcer are really, really dead. There will be no resurrections. They are staying dead. Sorry. And yes, Agnes Burns is really an assassin. Sent by Sauron to kill Gandalf and Aragorn. Yup. And apparently not Frodo for some reason that we overlooked. Mt. Doom scene coming up!**


	68. Edge of Glory - S&F Mordor Remix

**A/N: ****Replies...**

**Call Brandybuck: **As you can see in this scene, you were totally right. Well, sort of. You'll find out.

**OhDearIluvatar: **First of all, awesome username. Second, you are incredibly talented. I can't believe you just read the entire thing. You're brave. And talented.

**ElrondofImladris: **Yes, yes we do sound like Gollum precious.

**Applejackisthebestpony: **Yeah, it was repetitive. Luckily, it's over. And it went out with a bang too!

**Saren-Dipety: **You were right with all of them except for the first one. That was from one of the Spice is Right scenes. And the Sam one was from Just Dance - S&F Mordor Remix.

**And now for the scene you've all been waiting for (dramatic silence) the Mt. Doom scene! Mwahahahaha.**

**Disclaimer: **We definitely don't own Star Wars. Or Edge of Glory.

Scene 68

(Sam and Frodo walk to the Crack of Doom. Sam waits by the door to see if Gollum's gonna come in while Frodo goes to cast the iPhone into the fire. Gollum comes.)

**Sam:** Hey, I was expecting you! Come right in!

(Gollum comes in. Gollum sits by the side and waits. Frodo is playing Angry Birds and is on the last level.)

**Sam:** Throw it in!

**Frodo:** No! I'm on the last level of Angry Birds!

**Sam:** But if you finish, then it counts as claiming the iPhone for your own! Just throw it in!

**Frodo:** Fine, I'll pause it while I contemplate what to do.

(Frodo hits pause button. Edge of Glory starts playing. Darth Vader and Pippin come in.)

(Edge of Glory - S&F Mordor Remix)

**Sam: **There ain't no reason you and me should keep the Phone,

Tonight, yeah Frodo,

Tonight, yeah Frodo.

I got a reason that Pippin should take us home tonight.

**Frodo: **I need a Phone that thinks it's right when it's so wrong,

Tonight, yeah precious,

Tonight, yeah precious.

Right past the limits where we know you don't belong tonight.

**Gollum: **It's hard to feel the rush,

To push the dangerous.

I'm gonna run right to, to the edge with you,

Where we can both fall over in love.

**Sam: **I'm on the edge of glory,

And I'm hanging on a moment of truth.

**Frodo: **Out on the edge of glory,

And I'm hanging on a moment with you.

Out on the edge,

**Sam: **The edge,

**Darth Vader: **The edge,

**Gollum: **The edge,

**Pippin: **The edge,

**Frodo: **The edge,

**Everyone: **The edge!

I'm on the edge of glory.

**Frodo: **And I'm hanging on a moment with you.

**Everyone: **I'm on the edge with you.

**Darth Vader: **(breathing)

**Everyone: **Tonight, yeah Frodo

Tonight, yeah Frodo.

**Darth Vader: **(breathing)

**Pippin: **Pull on your shades 'cause I'll be dancing in the flames

Tonight, yeah Frodo,

Tonight, yeah Frodo.

It doesn't hurt 'cause everybody knows my name tonight.

**Gollum: **(spoken) Wait, what's your name?

(sung) It's hard to feel the rush,

To push the dangerous.

I'm gonna run right to, to the edge with you,

Where we can both fall over in love.

**Sam: **I'm on the edge of glory,

And I'm hanging on a moment of truth.

**Frodo: **Out on the edge of glory,

And I'm hanging on a moment with you.

Out on the edge,

**Sam: **The edge,

**Darth Vader: **The edge,

**Gollum: **The edge,

**Pippin: **The edge,

**Frodo: **The edge,

**Everyone: **The edge!

I'm on the edge of glory.

**Frodo: **And I'm hanging on a moment with you.

**Everyone: **I'm on the edge with you.

(Song ends.)

**Darth Vader:** Frodo, I am your father!

**Frodo:** But my father's dead!

**Darth Vader:** So said your uncle Bilbo! I am your father!

**Frodo:** Nooooooooooooo!

(Darth Vader cuts off Frodo's finger and Frodo drops the iPhone. Darth Vader picks it up and throws it over the lava.)

**Darth Vader:** Gollum, fetch!

(Gollum runs and jumps for the iPhone, grabs it, cradles it in his arms and falls into the lava. Darth Vader disappears. Meanwhile, Sam was talking to Pippin.)

**Pippin:** Yeah, we decided to take the helicopters and come early, so you guys didn't like die first.

**Sam:** Cool! (notices iPhone is gone) Frodo! You did it!

**Frodo:** Well, I got some help from my father... (looks over and sees he's gone) Never mind. Wait, what's Pippin doing here?

**Sam:** He came with the helicopters. Let's go.

(They all walk out to the waiting helicopters.)

**A/N: Yup. That's what happens in Mt. Doom. Hope ya'll liked it. It's our pride and joy. The last scene is coming next!**


	69. The End

**A/N: Here it is. The last scene in Lord of the Phones. We came up with 69 scenes! Wow. That is such a weird number to end on. It had to be 69, not 70. Whatever.**

**Disclaimer:** We do not own the Steve Jobs biography. We also don't hate Steve Jobs. He was incredible. And we know he didn't die of a heart attack, it just fit the story better.

Scene 69

(Frodo is writing in a book. He narrates.)

**Frodo:** It's been four days to the hour since I destroyed the one iPhone. And now everyone else has them!

(Shows a crowd of hobbits all texting on iPhones.)

**Frodo:** Seriously everyone. I feel like a waste of time. And now my book is coming to a close, but I have one more thing to say. Many say Steve Jobs died of a heart attack. But after I destroyed the iPhone I realized something. Steve Jobs died the exact same moment the iPhone was thrown into the fire. Therefore, my conclusion is, Steve Jobs was Sauron! The End.

(Frodo closes the book and we see a biography of Steve Jobs. Sam comes in and looks at the book.)

**Sam:** You're almost done.

**Frodo:** Yep, all I have to do is get the copyright.

(Sam pulls out a Nerf gun. Frodo looks stunned.)

**Sam:** Not if I can help it.

(Sam shoots the Nerf bullet at Frodo and he dies.)

THE END

**A/N: Yup. That's the end. Frodo really did die. He really did. Yes, he did. And Sam really did kill him. We're not joking. Not at all. Luckily, this is not the end of the updates! It may be the end of the official scenes, but as said in the author's note over in scene 67, we still have a bunch of appendices to post later this week. It will be follow-up stuff. Most of it should be funny, so we highly encourage all of you fans to read it. We would be incredibly happy if you did. We'll see you later this week with some appendices!**


	70. Appendix A - End Credits and Thanks

**A/N: And now for Appendix A: End Credits! First, we have the list of people who would have played each character if we had turned this into a movie. Then we have thanks to all the people who helped out, and then we have the song parody that would be playing while the credits were rolling if this was a movie. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: **We don't own Stronger. Kelly Clarkson does.

Appendix A: End Credits

**Credits:**

Sarah as Frodo, Uruk-Hai, Announcers, Arwen

Vibeka as Sam, CCC, Eowyn

Agent AJ as Gollum, Yoda, Gimli

The Hulk (Vibeka's other younger brother) as Pippin, Surfer Dude, Anakin

Corndog-Boy (Vibeka's youngest brother) as Himself

The Hulk's Random Friend Person as Merry, Bilbo

Vibeka's Mom as Legolas, Artanis

Vibeka's Dad as Gandalf, Darth Vader

Sarah's Mom as Galadriel, Agnes Burns

Sarah's Dad as Aragorn

Vibeka's Random Friend Person as Boromir, Faramir

Anyone Who's Not In the Scene as Nazis, Saruman

* * *

**Sarah's Thanks:**

Okay, first of all, I want to thank Vibeka for making me write the script with her even when I really didn't want to and had writer's cramp and writer's block. Then I want to thank my parents for putting up with our obsession and super weird quotes. Next, thank you to Vibeka's parents for putting up with us watching the Lord of the Rings movies _all the time_, just so that we could write this thing. And to both sets of parents for letting us have a billion sleepovers to work on this. Next, I want to thank all the people who agreed to act in it even though it never actually happened. Thanks to The Hulk who, even though he got annoying sometimes, gave us awesome ideas like, "The Black Bikers are attackin - oh look, my toenail came off - the Black Bikers are attacking!" (Yes, this is an actual quote from him.) Thanks to J.R.R. Tolkien for writing his super-epic trilogy, and thanks to Peter Jackson for making the movies. Thanks to the summer camp we went to when we first started writing this, as they put up with us bringing ginormous sheaves of paper to it just so we could write. Thanks to FanFiction for existing so we could get this out to the known world, and a very big thank you to all the reviewers, the people who favorited, the people who followed, and the people who just sat there reading it. Thank you for encouraging us and making us laugh the entire time we were posting this. It means a lot. Love and hugs to everyone mentioned! ~~Sarah

**Vibeka's Thanks:**

Thank-you uh... everyone. That good? Guess not. Uh, more specific thanks... Uh, thanks to Apple for creating iPhones, iPads, iPods and any other products that begin with "iP" that I might've missed that ended up in the script. Thank-you Sarah for being super OCD about EVERYTHING and formatting this in a somewhat interesting way... Yeah... Thank-you everyone who said "Hi Vibeka" in their reviews. That was a little creepy, but thanks anyway. Thank you sarcasm for existing. Yeah. You're awesome. And that was NOT sarcastic. Neither was that. Anyway, thank-you Hulk, Agent AJ, and Corn-Dog Boy for letting me know when to knock it off with the annoying movie quotes. Then thank me for telling them to shut the heck up. Then thank the mysterious force that actually got them to shut up at one point, if only for two or three seconds. Thank you rain for letting us make melodramatic spiels about you. Thank you J.R.R. Tolkien for creating Samwise Gamgee, who is still the BEST character ever! Thank-you Sean Astin for writing an autobiography... I'm your biggest fan other than probably your wife and children and Elijah Wood and numerous other people I'm leaving out. Thank you people for being people. Thank you hobbits for being hobbits. Um, I'd say the same thing about elves but they're annoying so I don't want to. Thank you Orlando Bloom for being amazing. And again, thank you sarcasm, if you catch my drift. No offense, Orlando. Thank you gingers for having the same hair color as me. Thank you those with odd names for having something in common with me. Um... Thank you Norway for coming up with my name and Viggo Mortensen. Thank you thanks for being thankful for the many thanks I give to many thankful people on Thanksgiving. I think I've officially gone insane. Thank you insanity too. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have said the previous thankful phrase, Lord of the Phones PROBABLY wouldn't exist, and I would look hopelessly normal around everyone. Um, thank you me for putting up with this long blurb and typing everything that I think should be typed on here. I think that's it... Wait, uh... Thank you uh... Um... Nevermind. I'm done. Why? Because sometimes (sniff) when it rains (sniff)... Aww, Sam... Again, thank you Sam. Oh! And salt! You know, when I first heard about you, I was a little skeptical... I mean, what could possibly make food taste better than it already does? Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent and my Thanks are about twice as long as Sarah's (wait, does that make me a more thankful person? Or am I just more hilarious than her?), so I'll stop now. Bye! ~~Vibeka (aka, Sam's 345th Biggest fan!)

* * *

**Credits Song:**

(Stronger - S&F Mordor Remix)

**Sam: **You know my life is better, living here alone.

You know I dream in color, and do the things I want.

I think I got the best of you, I think I got the last laugh,

You know my life is better now you're gone.

I know I left you broken down, I know you're not comin' back,

Because I killed you and you're dead.

**Frodo: **What kills you doesn't make you stronger,

Doesn't make you taller,

Yes it means I'm lonely when I'm alone.

What kills you doesn't make a fighter,

Nor footsteps even lighter.

It just means I'm over, 'cause I'm dead.

What kills you doesn't make you, stronger, stronger,

Just me, myself, and I,

What kills you doesn't make you stronger,

Doesn't make you taller,

Yes it means I'm lonely when I'm alone.

**Sam: **You heard that I was starting over with someone new.

They told you I was moving on over you.

I don't think you'll come back, because you're dead.

I tried to break you and it worked.

**Frodo: **What kills you doesn't make you stronger,**  
**

Doesn't make you taller,

Yes it means I'm lonely when I'm alone.

What kills you doesn't make a fighter,

Nor footsteps even lighter.

It just means I'm over, 'cause I'm dead.

What kills you doesn't make you, stronger, stronger,

Just me, myself, and I,

What kills you doesn't make you stronger,

Doesn't make you taller,

Yes it means I'm lonely when I'm alone,

When I'm alone.

**A/N: So there you are, the first appendix. We have a nice line-up of things we want to do, and they're all pretty different. Oh, and the whole corndog-boy thing in the credits? That will be another appendix, so it will be explained. I think it's gonna be Appendix J. Could be wrong. Oh well. Hope you liked!**


	71. Appendix B - Epilogue

**A/N: Okay, Appendix B - Epilogue. First, we will continue the tradition of replying.**

**evilbrat2013:** At this point in time, we are currently planning a prequel to Lord of the Phones, basically a parody of the Hobbit. So then you can get your fix of FBI Bilbo.

**BrightWatcher: **Well, if we knew who Lothiriel was... Hehe... Mind explaining? Or are we just missing something really obvious?

**Okay, good enough. This second Appendix is the Epilogue. Yup. It's the place where you find out what happened to all the Lord of the Phones characters after the story ended. It's pretty, uh, weird, so you might hate us for it, but just deal with it. It'll be funny.**

Appendix B - Epilogue

**Legolas:** Legolas is sitting around one day, bored, when he decides that drinking hairspray will make his hair permanently perfect. He rushes out, buys some hairspray, and guzzles it, resulting in his death.

**Gimli:** Gimli, using the billions and billions of dollars gained on the game shows, goes out and buys a bunch of sugary snacks at Mordor Wonka Inc. He eats them all in one sitting, and starts going crazy on a gigantic sugar rush. Consequently, he slams into a metal pole, breaking his skull and killing him.

**Sam:** Sam, about to use the copyright on Frodo's book to make a bunch of money, is attacked by Vibeka, who kills him, and takes the copyright.

**Vibeka:** Sarah, jealous, kills Vibeka and takes the copyright.

**Sarah:** Sarah is living happily, when one day, walking outside, she sees a strange sight. Walking toward her is a disgusting rotting corpse. Looking closer, she realizes it's zombie Boromir. He sucks out her brains. Death ensues. Boromir takes the copyright. Sarah becomes a zombie.

**Pippin:** He knocks out the Boromir zombie and takes the copyright. Then, he hooks up with Artanis, who he had secretly admired ever since the helicopter rides. They have a very fluffy relationship, until Artanis realizes that he has the copyright. In a fit of rage, Artanis locks him up and tortures him for three weeks, then kills him and takes the copyright.

**Artanis:** Arwen is mad at Artanis' perfection, and they duel. Just when Artanis thinks she's won, Arwen stabs her in the back and takes the copyright. Artanis dies.

**Arwen:** Eowyn, seeking revenge for stealing Aragorn's heart, poisons Arwen with the same poison used on Romeo and Juliet, then takes the copyright. Arwen dies.

**Eowyn:** Aragorn's Canary hates Eowyn for liking Aragorn, so he flies down and pecks Eowyn to death, then takes the copyright.

**Bilbo:** Bilbo decides that he wants to relive his FBI days, but he's so old that on his first mission he dies of a heart attack.

**Surfer Dude:** The Surfer Dude tries to take the copyright from Aragorn's Canary, who flies out to sea. The Surfer Dude follows on his surfboard, hits a big wave, does a face-plant, and drowns. Aragorn's Canary laughs.

**Faramir:** He dies. He was always a trend follower, so he didn't want to be left out.

**Agent AJ:** He dies of laughter reading Lord of the Phones. He sees the Mt. Doom scene, starts laughing, is unable to stop, and, well, dies.

**Announcers:** The Announcers start an argument about who's cooler. They face off in an epic announcer battle, and they both die.

**Saruman:** He listens to his elevator music so much, it makes his brain explode.

**Uruk-Hai:** Agnes Burns kills him.

**Conclusion:** Agnes Burns marries the CCC and they take over Middle-Earth. They keep Aragorn's Canary as a pet, who owns the copyright for all eternity. Boromir the zombie and Sarah the now turned-zombie get married, have many zombie children, who turn everybody else into zombies, and they all become Agnes' zombie minions.

Chronicled by the Salt Dude.

P.S. The Salt Dude died of salt overdose. ~~Agnes Burns

**A/N: Yup. That was the end. Like it? Yeah, it's pretty bad. But it's funny, so it works. As a side note, we have just created a YouTube account! It's called **TheFrodoSamNetwork**, although that might get changed later. It's gonna be a bunch of weird Lord of the Rings and other parody stuff. We might even end up filming this like we wanted to and post it on there! So, we uploaded a video called **TheFrodoSamNetwork - Introduction**, but it doesn't seem to be appearing when we search for it, so we'll do our best to figure it out so you can see it.**** There's not much actual content on it, but you get to see what we look like as a plus side! So yeah. Try to look it up and comment if you can!**


	72. Appendix C - Bake Your Heart

**A/N: Yay! Finally we're back. We know it's been a while, but we don't care. School takes precedence.**** So yeah. First, we're gonna reply to our YouTube comments.  
**

**YouTube:  
**

**AllHobbitsROCK: **Yes, you do get virtual pie for being the first reviewer on the video. And for liking Zuko. And Sam for that matter. It was pretty hard to sit still to write Lord of the Phones. It took about two years, so, yeah... Hmm, so you keep track of Sam's children? Interesting... In a good way.

**Saren-Dipety (YouTube version):** Hmmm, your thoughts on what you thought we looked like are interesting... That was redundant... So, yeah, Sarah has long curly brown hair. And Vibeka is fiery-haired.

**FanFiction:**

**narniagirl11: **Yeah, that's one of our favorite parts too. Glad you liked it! That and your story is awesome. You probably knew that we thought that. 'Cause of the reviews and all.

**ElrondofImladris: **Yes and yes. And zombies are awesome.

**OhDearIluvatar: **Oh, we're not done yet, don't worry. We still have a ways to go... That was just the end of the official story.

**Alright, time for a final song parody. This is Sam's ringtone from way back in like the third scene or so. You may want to read that again... Oh, and this chapter is rated T. Just this chapter. For cannibalism reasons.**

**Disclaimer:** We don't own Break Your Heart. Taio Cruz does.

Appendix C - Bake Your Heart

(A ringtone created by the CCC and Uruk-Hai. But we're gonna call it an S&F Mordor Remix anyway.)

**Uruk-Hai: **Now I may not be the worst or the best

But you gotta respect my honesty.

And I may bake your heart,

But I don't think there's anyone who lights bombs like me.

And you may take this chance

And in the end the CCC will eat your guts like veal.

You might say this is Uruk-Hai

But CCC tell me how you feel!

**CCC: **Now listen to me Frodo!

Before I try to eat you.

They call me heart-baka'.

I don't wanna deceive you.

If you follow me,

I'm not easily appeased.

I will fry your arms.

Told you from the start,

Frodo from the start.

I'm only gonna bake bake, your bake bake, your heart.

I'm only gonna bake bake, your bake bake, your heart.

I'm only gonna bake bake, your bake bake, your heart.

I'm only gonna bake bake, your bake bake, your heart.

There's no point tryin' to fry it.

Poach, boil, or serve plain.

I know I got a problem.

Problem with CANNIBALISM!

If you follow me,

I'm not easily appeased.

I will fry your arms.

Told you from the start,

Frodo from the start.

I'm only gonna bake bake, your bake bake, your heart.

I'm only gonna bake bake, your bake bake, your heart.

I'm only gonna bake bake, your bake bake, your heart.

I'm only gonna bake bake, your bake bake, your heart.

**Uruk-Hai: **Listen, now I'm only gonna scatter splatter it

Into little bitty pieces.

Whether or not we eat it all together, well,

It's finders eaters and losers weepers.

See, I'm not tryin' to lead you wrong,

Now I'm only gonna make you a meal.

You might say this is Uruk-Hai,

But CCC tell me how you feel.

**CCC:**

I'm only gonna bake bake, your bake bake, your heart.

I'm only gonna bake bake, your bake bake, your heart.

I'm only gonna bake bake, your bake bake, your heart.

I'm only gonna bake bake, your bake bake, your heart.

**A/N: Yup. That was a parody of Break Your Heart. Yeah, it was gory... Okay, free internet pie to anyone who guesses what S&F stands for in S&F Mordor Remix! And those of you who haven't seen our YouTube channel, go check it out! You can find the video if you search **TheFrodoSamNetwork - Introduction**. And if you have seen it and you haven't commented, then comment! We should be making more videos for our channel soon. And you'll get to see what The Hulk, Agent AJ, and Corndog Boy look like. Adios!**


	73. Appendix D - Lord of the Props

**A/N: Okay, finally it's Appendix posting time! Yay! We're posting two today because of the stupid lameness and the shortness of this chapter. And most likely the next one too. This is Lord of the Props, our props list which is entirely lacking like everything. We stopped at about the second scene. That and we don't even remember what some of it was for. The name came about when I wrote LOTP (Lord of the Phones acronym) and then added 'rops' on the end, which worked, and then we realized that it turned into Lord of the Props! Which works! Yay! Okay, this is getting awkward. Read the chapter. **

LOTProps

iPhone

_(Wait, why did we need an iPhone again? Oh yeah... Lord of the Phones...)_

podium?

_(For standing on stuff. Oh wait, that was for Bilbo's speech. Yeah.)_

Something big and grey

_(What?! What the heck is that?! We seriously do not remember why we wrote this down or what it was supposed to be for.)_

beard

_(For Legolas, duh! No, it was for Gandalf. We think. There might be some ulterior motive in there.)_

combat boots

_(This was also for Gandalf. Can't you just imagine it? Gandalf in combat boots? It makes complete sense!)_

grey-haired wig

_(Once again, for Gandalf. Man, Gandalf gets all the props! How unfair is that?!)_

__**A/N: We told you it was lame. We still don't know why we need something big and grey. We'll remember at some point. Probably never. And why was it big and _grey_ instead of big and _gray_? We will never know... We just went on a five-minute rant on the differences between grey and gray. It was informative. Sarah won. Vibeka got confused. Extremely confused. In fact she questions Sarah's sanity. Of course, she questions her own sanity, so it's really not saying much. Next appendicey coming up... And yes, we know that is completely grammatically incorrect, let alone spelled wrong.  
**


	74. Appendix E - Lord of the Props-Retro

**A/N: Whoa, we found another LOTProps! That was an unexpected but joyous find. It's almost as stupid as the first one!**

LOTProps - Retro Version

iPhone case

_(Apparently we don't need an iPhone for this one, just the case.)_

Grey beard

_(Ah, there we go with Gandalf again. At least we were thinking the same in terms of him...)_

Grey wig

_(Yup, guess who it's for? Legolas! Just kidding. It was totally Artanis.)_

Styrofoam

_(To do stuff with. Like make shapes out of. We were gonna make a styrofoam iPhone.)_

Brown shoulder-length wig x 2

_(So, Legolas and Aragorn are gonna have the same hairstyle. That's a comforting thought. We think we were actually going to use these for Merry and Pippin.)_

Chocolate milk

_(So, we decided that instead of the hobbits and others drinking ale at the inns, we decided they would have chocolate milk. That was a weird decision.)_

Brownish wig

_('Cause we can't have too many brown wigs! We think that was for Sam.)_

Fake breakable axe

_(It must be fake and breakable at the same time. So that Gimli can have a terrible weapon of doom.)_

Sting

_(Sting. That was pretty lame. And it didn't even get used.)_

__**A/N: This was the retro version because this was written before the other one. Yeah. Okay, _now_ we'll have a new appendicey.  
**


	75. Appendix F - List of Gags and Jokes

**A/N: Okay, we figured out the reason we didn't update sooner. Vibeka had the Miraculous One-Day Flu of Epic ****AwesomenessTM**. That's right. We trademarked it. Now, we're gonna reply to reviewers...

**Everyone: **Since you pretty much all guessed Sam and Frodo as the answer to S&F, you all get internet pies. Because you're all right. But you don't get to pick the flavor. They're all going to be boring old pixellation flavor. Sorry.

**That's literally it. That's lame. And now for our List of Gags and Running Jokes. It's stupid. So beware... But it's not as stupid as the last two chapters, so I think you'll be good.**

List of Gags and Running Jokes

Yeah!

_(We use this when we can't come up with an idea.)_

So yeah...

_(This is for situations with even less inspiration.)_

Cool stuff!

_(Only use this in cases of extreme writer's block. Audiences don't like this.)_

Uh-huh!

_(This is a multi-purpose phrase, used in cases of writer's block and also when agreeing with people.)_

Yup.

_(This is a three-letter word used when there is very little space left on the page and you have writer's block.)_

Sorta.

_(The Nazis like to use this. See _Sam Uses the Force_.)_

Seriously?

_(This is a Legolas/Artanis thing, but also incredibly useful for freaking people out. Seriously? Seriously. See _Seriously_.)_

Because sometimes (sniff), when it rains (sniff, sniff), it's just so sad!

_(We love using this melodramatic phrase whenever people ask, "Why?" It's the perfect way to ruin the moment. See _Rain and Lembas Bread_.)_

Seriously.

_(See _Seriously._)_

Seriously!

_(Seriously? We wrote it again? Seriously?)_

Seeee-reeee-oouuus-leeeee...

_(Our favorite catchphrase in slow-mo.)_

Seriously...

_(Seriously.)_

Angry Birds!

_(Used by Gollum, Pippin, and Frodo. That's a really random combination. Oh, and Isildur.)_

Seriously?!

_(Seriously?! We did it again?! Now this is just getting seriously annoying.)_

Victoria's Secret.

_(Uh, self-explanatory. We think. See _Doom in Victoria's Secret_.)_

Cheeeeeese curls... (wiggling fingers)

_(You have to do the wiggling fingers thing. It's important.)_

Agent AJ

_(Agent AJ is just funny. He just is.)_

Da - da - doo - doo - mmmmmm.

_(This makes the most amazing rap ever. Try it. It works. See _Just Dance - S&F Mordor Remix._)_

The cold-hearted cute little menace (in reference to Aragorn's Canary)!

_(Vibeka used this phrase when she found out what Aragorn's Canary did in the Conclusion. And the Conclusion to the Conclusion. See _Conclusion_.)_

Dude?

_(Shortest line in Lord of the Phones, and also the awesomest. Dude? See _The Forbidden Pool_. But make sure you pay $3.99 first.)_

Conclusion.

_(We came up with this running gag four lines ago. If you don't remember, look at it. It's there.)_

(dramatic silence)

_(Oh wow, this is the classic thing with every game show. Just look it up in any of the game show scenes. It got sort of overused...)_

Blurgh.

_(This is the expression Sarah came up with that can show annoyance, disgust, tiredness, laziness, or want of something. It's pretty multifaceted.)_

**A/N: Well, that's all for now. You might get another post tomorrow. Maybe. Possibly. If we're not busy filming videos for our YouTube account. And by the way, if you haven't checked our channel out yet, you should. We only have one video, but we have another great idea that should be up soon, so keep a lookout. If we don't update tomorrow it'll be sometime next week. From now on, every goodbye we say will be a different language. We've done English, Spanish, and Italian. We're doing French. Au revoir!  
**


	76. Appendix G - Randomness and a Note

**Hey everyone! This is Vibeka and Sarah. Yup, we're finally doing _something_. Except, it's not what you guys are expecting and wanting. This is a short notice for all you guys. Basically, the next appendix is a trailer for a, uh, sequel to Lord of the Phones. Yup. A sequel. We're not gonna give away very much yet, except that's it's in a different fandom and it's _so incredibly stupid_! Which is probably what you guys want! So, we're keeping busy trying to come up with an actual _plot_ to this story, so that we can then create a teaser trailer. It might take a while, so don't expect an update for, uh, one to two more weeks. When it's done, it'll be genius, so you can look forward to that. Yup! Keep a lookout for the next appendix!**

**For you entertainment, I've decided to add an episode of *dramatic silence* Randomness With Vibeka!**

**Alright, so I'm just gonna rant for a while and Sarah, the Hulk, Agent AJ, and Corn-Dog Boy are gonna give me topics.**

**Topic 1- Fails (Idea courtesy of Sarah)**

**So, I tend to make a lot of stupid mistakes, so Sarah decided to have me write about this! And, for added effect after this sentence, I'm not going to use the backspace at all in this topic! Mwahahahahhhahaha! As you can seee , I make waaaaay tooo many mistakes for me to be the official wrtyper for Lord of the rings i mean Phoneas no, that was Phineas! No, it was Phones! Gah! I can't type! Fail! **

**Topic 2- Puffy Blue Chairs (Uh... What?!) (Idea courtesy of the Hulk, Vibeka's Ten-year old brother)**

**Man, that last topic made me realize how important the backspace is! I mean, seriously! Anyway... Puffy blue chairs... They're puffy and they're blue and you sit on them... Yeah... Okay, the Hulk is WAY too random, and this is coming from ME! I mean really! Ugh, what do I say? Why'd he give me THIS topic? Because sometimes, when it rains... Kidding. Next topic.**

**Topic 3- Cutting Off A Thumb (Idea courtesy of Agent AJ)**

**This kid is WAY too gory... Anyway, I think he based this idea off af an in-ter-est-ing story that took place on April Fool's Day. It goes like this: About five years ago, when Agent AJ was about two, our mom (Well, not Sarah's) made us brownies, but when she was cutting them, she managed to give herself a ginormous gash on her thumb. My reaction: I ran up to my room crying and screaming. Hulk's reaction: He ran around is circles going absolutely berserk. AJ's reaction: he drank the blood. Seriously. No, really. AJ serious drank his own mother's blood. True story. Anyway...**

**Topic 5, no wait, 4- Skinny String (idea courtesy of Corn-Dog Boy)**

**Okay, I don't know what to say here. This is what happens when you ask a five-year old to give you a random topic...**

**This concludes *dramatic silence* Randomness With Vibeka!**


	77. Appendix H - Phone Wars Trailer

**A/N: It's here. We've come. It's time to party. It's Appendix G! Yay! Yeah, that was pretty anticlimactic. Yeah, sorry about the really long wait. We had to come up with all the ideas from scratch and decide on a basic plot for the script. It took a while. That and with school, it was kind of hard to get anything done. So anyway, this is the trailer to the sequel to Lord of the Phones. It's called Phone Wars. Here's the trailer.**

Appendix G

(Long long ago, in a galaxy far far away... Except it was actually not so far away. It was in the same galaxy as Middle-Earth. And it wasn't that long ago either. It was actually two days after Agnes Burns killed the salt dude...)

(Darth Vader is standing over Frodo.)

**Darth Vader: **Frodo, I am your father!

(Darth Vader is standing over Leia.)

**Darth Vader: **Leia, I am your father!

(Darth Vader is standing over Luke.)

**Darth Vader: **Luke, I am your father!

**Luke: **Do you say that to everyone?

**Darth Vader: **No.

(Switches to Darth Vader standing over Han.)

**Darth Vader: **Han, I am not your father!

(Switches back to Luke, who stares dubiously at Darth Vader.)

**Luke: **Really?

**Darth Vader: **Yup.

**Announcer: **Announcing the new sequel to Lord of the Phones... Phone Wars! The epic saga where the authors attempt to come up with brand new ideas and end up looking really lame in the process. Pretty much just a typical sequel.

(Switches to Leia who's looking at Luke dreamily. They lean closer and closer together, until Vader busts in.)

**Darth Vader: **Wait, you guys know you're siblings, right?

(Leia and Luke scream and pass out.)

**Announcer: **When Darth Vader comes back to his world, chaos ensues as Indiana Jones -

(Indiana Jones holding a flyswatter is seen.)

**Announcer: **A famous actor from a couple famous movies -

(A silhouette of a guy who looks vaguely like Legolas is seen.)

**Announcer: **And Leia in a french fry costume -

(You know what you see here. We don't need to explain. You're not idiots.)

**Announcer: **Go on an adventure to rid the world of - Agnes Burns. Oh, and Luke's involved too. And somewhere there's an iPhone, but that's unimportant. Join us on an adventure of action -

(A shot of Vader cutting of Luke's hand with a flyswatter is seen.)

**Announcer: **Romance -

(A shot of Leia kissing that vaguely familiar guy from a couple lines up.)

**Announcer: **And stupidity!

(Cut to shot of Luke.)

**Luke: **I'm allergic to trees, dust, TVs, corndogs, plastic, dinner tables, printers, food, invisible ink, magma, Wii remotes, duct tape, and manual labor. Plus all those other things that I'm forgetting.

**Announcer: **Coming soon to the Star Wars fandom - Phone Waaaarrsss -

(Gollum comes up and smacks the Announcer in the face.)

**Announcer: **Ow! Wait, aren't you dead?

**Gollum: **No, precious, we aren't dead... We wants it... We wants the precious...

(The Announcer back away freaking out.)

**A/N: FYI, just because we're planning a sequel doesn't mean we're canceling the prequel (the Hobbit), it just means we're putting it off until the other Hobbit movies come out. We might do it in sections as they come out, but at this point we're probably going to wait until at least the second one. So yeah. Aufwiederluege! (That was goodbye in Swiss-German, just in case you got really freaked out by that...)**


	78. Appendix I - LOTP in 99 Seconds

**A/N: Yay! We're finally back with another Appendix! Yeah, it's been a while, we know. Okay, this next thing is a parody of a parody based on a parody. Basically, there's this song on YouTube called **Lord of the Rings in 99 Seconds **by** Paint**. They ****summarize Lord of the Rings in 99 seconds. Yeah, that was sorta redundant. Anyway, so we did our version of it. You might want to go check out the YouTube version first. It's absolutely hilarious. And this will make more sense. Because it's a song and all. Okay, here we go.  
**

**Reviewer replying:**

** maggiestarxx: **Yup, we will do something like that with Thranduil. Now that you mention it.

**Disclaimer: **We don't own Lord of the Rings in 99 Seconds. Paint does.

Appendix I: Lord of the Phones in 99 Seconds

Lord of the Phones,

Bikers, cannibal cashiers, and Darth Vader.

Awesomeness!

Lord of the Phones,

The greatest story ever read on your screen!

McDonalds!

Frodo must hide under a map,

Sam uses the Force on the nine evil Phonewraiths.

The Gangsta's form,

Everyone's a jerk

Gandalf's torn from the group.

Aaaahhhh! Freaky lady!

Boromir fakes dying.

Nobody is crying,

Like a boss!

The Gangsta'ship is broken,

Thanks for that Vibeka and Sarah.

Frodo's gone,

And Sam's stalking you!

Bababababum,

Yoda leads the Phone to Mordor.

Eggses and bacon!

Aragorn decides to go on game shows,

Pip and Merry hide in a bathroom.

Meriadoc decides to die graphically.

Of the flu!

Legolas is far inferior to Gimli!

Cheese curls are attacking the orcs!

Yoda has some serious issues.

Frodo says, "It's time to party!"

(He's possessed!)

Sam rides down an elevator,

While the elf and Gimli count cash.

One last battle,

(Frodo, Sam, Pippin, Merry, Aragorn)

Idiots vs. evil!

(Gandalf, Gimli, Legolas, CCC)

Frodo you must destroy, the, Phone of power!

(Boromir, Gollum, Saruman, Yoda, Bilbo, Agnes, Announcer, Bikers, Artanis, Uruk-Hai, Sauron, Great Eye)

No!

Destroy it!

Angry Birds!

I'm your father!

Fetch!

*explosion noise with added coolness*

Yay!

Aragorn is murdered by an assassin.

Middle-Earth is not affected either way,

In the Lord of the Phones.

**A/N: So there you go. Our version. Farvel! (That's goodbye in Norwegian.)  
**


	79. Appendix J - FAQ

**A/N: And we're back! This is going to be the second-to-last appendix (and the last one doesn't really count). We're almost done! We've prepared some answers to interesting questions. Basically an FAQ appendix. Hopefully it's informative and actually decent.**

Appendix J

**Question #1: **Why is Bilbo an FBI agent?

To be revealed in our prequel. It'll be based on the Hobbit movies. We'll start writing it once the second movie comes out.

**Question #2: **Aragorn's afraid of birds?!

Yup. Aragorn's a coward at heart in our story. And an Ornithophobic. Ornithophobia is fear of birds.

**Question #3: **What is the meaning of life?

Well, our original answer was cheese. But we decided we needed to deep more thinkly about it. After deeping thinkly for a long time, we have decided that the meaning of life is... still cheese.

**Question #4: **Why did you keep the names of the books the same, even though they have nothing to do with anything?

Well, we were too lazy to bother coming up with new titles at the time, but if you really want some, here you are: The Gangsta's of Mirkwood, The Two Completely Unrelated Plots, The Uneventful Destruction of the iPhone.

**Question #5: **Merry's dead?! Why?! Why?! I'm going to kill you if you don't resurrect him!

We killed him off because someone needed to die and we feel thoroughly indifferent toward Merry. Sorry everyone. We did watch the extended edition later, and he's cool there, but we didn't parody the extended editions, so yeah...

**Question #6: **Uh, Saruman the DJ? Who came up with that idea?

Well, we can't remember who came up with it, but he's the DJ because we needed him in the story, but there wasn't any other good place to put him in.

**Question #7: **How many scenes do you have? A million?

Somewhere around there.

**Question #8: **Are your appendices parodies of Tolkien's appendices?

Yes, yes they are.

**Question #9: **Who the heck is Corndog Boy? And how does he relate to Lord of the Phones?

He was originally invented for our Just Dance parody (aka. the person eating corndogs). He was to be played by Vibeka's 5-year-old little brother. Then we figured that he could make a cameo appearance in every single scene of the movie (if we were ever going to make it). We decided he was Steve Job's son and that he didn't talk, and he was going to come back in Phone Wars to get revenge and stuff like that. So yeah.

**A/N: So there you go. FAQ is done. Last appendix/chapter will be posted in a little while. Shalom! (Goodbye in Hebrew.)**


	80. Appendix K - Goodbye

**A/N: This is the final chapter/scene/appendix/thing! It took seven months to publish all this. And exactly 80 chapters. So yeah. This is our goodbye thing, which, as we are writing this, we still have no idea what it's going to be. Translation: It should be interesting. Ahem. Yeah. Vibeka's gonna go first and write what she deems necessary, and then Sarah will go. (Wait, so if neither Vibeka or Sarah is writing that sentence [and this one], who is?) Kidding. Sarah's our official typer. And apparently she always talks in the third person. So, uh, yeah.**

Vibeka's Goodbye

Well, here I am again. Phew, think about how freaking long this took. Before we started writing this, we'd already been working on it for more than a year. Lord of the Phones will be two years old by mid-July. Huh, wow... Anyway, I just need to say a few things. First, even though we're publishing this on Sarah's account, the story is on her computer, and she types most the authors' notes, doesn't mean that I've put any less work into this 80 chapter parody. Just getting that out there. Again, I'd like to thank everyone who's reading this for their relentless efforts and for making this story a reality (well, a public reality...). Huh, the weather here is being pretty bipolar. A few minutes ago it was snowing, and now it's sunny. Go figure... Um, I also want to mention that thanks to you guys and the extended editions of Lord of the Rings, I am officially a Merry fan. Congratulate me, I've joined the dark side. Speaking of dark sides, stay in touch! Phone Wars, the official sequel to Lord of the Phones, will be up as soon as I, uh, you know... Finish watching the movies. Sarah and I are having a sleepover soon, and we'll watch episodes 4-5 then. Oh! Also on the To-Do list: Reading the Hobbit! I keep forgetting that! I read up past Riddles in the Dark, and then I kinda, yeah... But I will read that before the next movie comes out! Anyway, off-topic. Um, so I don't really know how to give this paragraph the "Vibeka Touch" (you know, that funny ranting thing. BTW, most of the rants were originally tangents that Sarah and I went off on when writing this. Mostly me, actually...), but I'm trying. I think I've accomplished the whole "ranting" part, but humor? Compared to most my stuff, this is downright lame... Well, when in doubt, make an LOTP reference! Why? Because sometimes *sniff*, when it rains *sniff, sniff*... IT'S JUST SO SAD! And the grass gets all muddy, and you can't go outside, and... WAH! Aww, Sam... I will forever fangirl you and ship you with a feminine version of Frodo (gosh, that sounded really weird, even by MY standards)... And that reminds me of Fay the Ring-Bearer, which you also need to read. It's actually leaning more toward comedy than romance, at the time being. Um, yeah. Sarah's looking over my shoulder right now, making it hard for me to concentrate. When she gets down to this part, here's a message for her: I LIKE PIE! Yay! Ah, there's the humor. Hmm, so... stuff... Yeah. Coolness. NOW EVERYONE DO THE PUPPETMASTER! Come on! RAISE YOUR KNEE, RAISE YOUR OTHER KNEE! RAISE YOUR FOOT! RAISE YOUR OTHER FOOT! WALK IN A CIRCLE! Yeah, Elijah Wood does the creepiest things... Now, Orlando Bloom or Sean Astin? No, they do cool movies, like Pirates of the Caribbean, or The Goonies, or other stuff. But Elijah Wood? All he's got is LOTR and 9. Other than that, he does creepy stuff, like Tom Thumb and Thumbelina (that one scared me...), or Spy Kids 3 (LAMEST CAMEO EVER!), or Yo Gabba Gabba (like, seriously?!), which is stupidity, in my opinion. Ooh! Sarah's playing LOTR songs on the piano! I'm totally doing that too, when she's writing her thing! Ooh! That chord failed! Aah, that's better... Anyway, she's doing Gollum's Song, from the end credits in The Two Towers. FANGIRL SQUEAL! Um, so, I don't wanna interupt her, so I'll keep typing. Uh, I have a 99% average in English. Okay, now I can add bragging to my long list of things included in this paragraph. I don't think you believe me either. Ow! My ears! She's doing Fur Elise now! Argh, overplayed tune by both of us... I'm the one actually performing it, and she's just playing it because she "doesn't want to get behind" me. Riiiight... My conspiracy is that she's just doing it so that she can annoy me, too. I bug her enough playing Bohemian Rapsody, I suppose she needs to get back at me SOMEHOW. Wait, why am I sitting here typing when I could be telling her to get off the piano? Eh, too lazy... Aha! She's done! I can leave now! So, uh, bye. Wait, why didn't I just say that in the first place and spare you this horrible waste of time? Meh, I don't care. Bye!

Sarah's Goodbye

Hi. Um, yeah. So now it's my turn to do a totally run-on long hilarious paragraph. And Vibeka's on the piano trying to be bother me by playing Fur Elise just as promised. It's actually not too bad. Even though she thinks it's annoying. Anyway, since this is supposed to be a goodbye thing, I guess I should actually say goodbye. Uh, yeah, like Vibeka said, we worked on this for like two years. It's kinda scary when I think about how the two year anniversary of the start of Lord of the Phones will in only like two months! o_O I love that smiley. It's awesome. It's such a perfect expression. An expression of utter confusion and "Wha'?" It's kinda weird being done with Lord of the Phones, because I've been thinking about this project for two years straight (and there she goes with Bohemian Rhapsody), and so my life has been consumed by this project. Normally, if Vibeka comes over and we're not working on this for whatever reason, we end up being incredibly bored. So it's scary to not have this in the background. But at the same time, it's exciting because now we get to obsess over The Hobbit and Star Wars! The Hobbit we're already obsessing over anyway, but Star Wars - well, to put it simply, I've been obsessing over it since I was eight, but Vibeka never got it. She thought Han Solo was a Jedi. o_O There's that face again. And sorry to all you people who thought that too. That's why I was so surprised when Vibeka said she like Lord of the Rings. I started getting into it when I was like, uh, either five or eight, I can't remember. She didn't get into it until we were twelve, and I knew she didn't like most of the books and movies that I liked. But now I think she might actually like and get Star Wars, so hooray! Okay, I've talked about that too long. It's time to think about something else. Like Adipose. You know, from Doctor Who. Are there any Doctor Who fans out there who are reading this story? Well, we're Doctor Who fans too, and Vibeka's having a Doctor Who themed birthday party, and we're all supposed to bring related props, so I'm bringing a plushie Adipose (fat) blob that I'm going to make myself. It's so adorable! It's so weird watching Vibeka play piano (to totally change the subject). Every time she hits a chord that she has to accent hard, her head bends down and then scoops up again (wow, that was a weird mental picture, but I don't know how else to describe it). It's like all those piano maestros where their whole body is doing weird things because they're so into the music (that was also a weird mental picture). It's also interesting comparing my goodbye to Vibeka's. If you just look at it overall, there are a ton of caps and a ton of parentheses and weird symbols and numbers and punctuation marks sticking out every where in Vibeka's. Mine just looks like one long SENTENCE. There, that broke it up a bit. Oh crap, no! Vibeka's playing the Spinning Song on the piano! And she's playing it in a weird key, so there are mistakes like every beat! See, we both memorized that song on the piano and learned it so well that both of us can play it with our eyes closed. I think we drove everybody in both our families crazy with that song. Anyway, it's over, so we're good. And now she's trying to play random chords to make me laugh. It's not working. Okay, back to IMPORTANT stuff (like the stuff we're typing here is important [especially not important in capital letters]). Darn, her random chords did make me laugh. *smacks forehead angrily* Candy corn. That's a good topic. I was once at this birthday party, and my friend brought candy corn but left it in her car outside (and it was November so it was cold). Then when we went to get it, the candy corn was freezing cold and really hard. And then I proceeded to eat most of them and get really hyper. My friends still tease me about that. One of my favorite quotes ever is: Life happens, and everybody has to be there at some point when it does. That was a quote from me. And that makes me sound really vain. Yay! See, I'm really just trying to make my goodbye longer than Vibeka's, because her thanks beat mine last time. It's only fair that I get to win sometimes. Now I can't wait to see who wins our argument on who should get the One Ring. We've been debating for three days, and it's pretty entertaining. Highlights: "I microwaved it, so it's mine!" (Vibeka), "J.R.R. Tolkien was an arachnophobic, and so am I, so I should have it!" (Sarah), "It's mine because my dad looks like Steve Jobs!" (Sarah), "I know more about cheese curls than you, so it's mine!" (Vibeka), "I don't have as many sewing projects, therefore the Ring is mine!" (Vibeka), "Yeah, but I have more sewing projects, therefore it's mine!" (Sarah). Yeah, you get the point. I think I've officially beat Vibeka. Yup, I have. Ooh, a final weird conversation we had about Lord of the Rings. We were talking at like 11:30 at night, and then a couple seconds before midnight, we started counting down. Every time another minute counted down, another Lord of the Rings character would die. And they died pretty interestingly. Here's the conversation: (S stands for Sarah and V stands for Vibeka.) "V: I have nine minutes. One minute for each member of the fellowship. Whoops! There goes Boromir! S: Haha! Who's next to go? Probably Gandalf. V: And there goes Gandalf, just cuz ya mentioned him. S: Yup. Bye Gandalf! There went Legolas! V: Yay! Legolas is dead! S: Party time! V: Yeah! Bye Merry! S: Yup, he just died of flu. V: Too bad. About the flu and our indifference in the matter. Bye Gimli! S: Yup. Aww! Actually I don't care. V: And there goes Aragorn. Darn. S: Yup. I have a feeling Frodo's going next. V: And Pippin trips over a twig and... Uh.. Dies... Yeah... That's a stupid death. S: Yeah, that failed. Frodo died! He fell in Mt. Doom! V: Frodo's bloody hand slipped off Sam's and uh... Ew... S: Ewww... V: And Sam lives! I can't kill him. You can. S: Hooray! Until he loses his balance and falls in too. Splash, into the lava. Cannonball! Boom." Yup, that was the conversation. It got kinda, uh, morbid. Anyway. Thanks once again to all you reviewers and, uh, bye!

**A/N: And that's the end of Lord of the Phones. We wood say goodbye again, but we just did. So the final thing is, keep watch for Phone Wars and The Hobbit!**


	81. THIS NOTE WILL SELF-DESTRUCT SOON!

**So! This is our little notice saying that we have officially... POSTED THE PROLOGUE OF PHONE WARS! Already. Can you believe it? Anyways, it's posted in the Lord of the Rings/Star Wars Crossover section. So read it, and review it, and follow it, and favorite it, and whatever. All that other stuff. Like download it, and print it, and post it on Facebook, and tweet about it, and fangirl over it, and such. Kidding. Not really. So, go check it out. It's called** Phone Wars (Toast!)**. Yeah really. This author's note will be taken down in at least two weeks. Probably more, considering we'll forget about it and stuff. If you still see this in a year, PM us and we'll remember to take it down. Maybe. So, now that that's done, go read the story! Yay! May the Phone be with you.**


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